My uncle is dying. I should feel bad about this. I know I should. But I don't. Me...the one that gets picked on for having "soft feelings", cannot muster up one tiny bit of sorrow, and that freaks me out a little. Granted, the man is a horrible person, but being as he's a relative and all I feel like I should feel something. Anything. And I don't. My mother keeps sending me these guilt-filled emails that say "Not that you care, but..."; "just thought you should know that...not that you care". On and on and on, the emails just keep coming, and I keep thinking "gee mom, if you know that I don't care, why do you keep telling me?"
I don't even feel sorry for his wife, and frankly all his kids are grown and better off without him. I tried to muster up a little remorse for my grandmother, as it just seems unnatural for a parent to outlive a child, but the best I can come up with is a generic feeling of unease. Nothing close to the sorrow that I thought I could fabricate.
See, the man is inhuman. Years ago, when my godmother died, she left me (and my siblings) a good deal of money in her will. He was the executor, and as such, decided to take all the money and build himself a lovely lake house instead. When I called him on it, his response was "fuck you" as he slammed the phone down.
But the money is nothing.
When my cousin was 5, he married her mom. When she was 6, he started molesting her. When she was 12, her mother walked in and caught him on top of her. By the time she was 15, she had tried to kill herself 8 times, was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and had run away from home. Her mother blamed her for "flirting" and "asking for it", and never divorced him. Today, my cousin lives in California, is a recovering addict, and is the sweetest, funniest, most screwed up person I know. This much I know. The rest is speculation. He had one son that ended up in prison for molesting a 12 year old boy. I can't help but think it was a learned behavior. His other daughter was a coke addict by the time she was 16 and had a total of 5 abortions before she finally left the country and straightened up her life on another continent. I can't help but think she had some help getting screwed up.
So, goodbye Bob. And mom, you're wrong. It's not that I don't care, it's just that it doesn't make me sad. Not one little bit.
