We got our “unknown bacteria” assigned in class last night…4 weeks to test the hell out of it and figure out what it is. I’m nervous about it, regardless of the fact that the teacher assures us that everyone in the past has figured out theirs…probably because my only other experience with “unknowns” was in my high school genetics class when, since I was a *ahem* good student, the teacher thought it would be so funny to give me something that would mutate, causing me much grief and hours of endless research at the local university library trying to figure out what the hell I was looking at. Not one of my best school memories.

When crappy au pair got here, she missed her home very badly, especially the food. So, because I am just THAT NICE, I scoured the shelves at several different stores to bring home Thai food, and then I ordered some Thai red pepper seeds and planted them for her in a pot on the deck. Yes, I am THAT NICE. Anyway...look at the gross tomato worm that took up residence! See what happens when you're a horrible person? Your peppers get worms. Karma, bitch.

In all the chaos that has been my life lately, I found that I had too much energy to sit still, so I've been project-ing! No, not projecting, project-ing...as in, finally getting around to all those things I've wanted to finish/start/re-do around the house! Luckily (or maybe unluckily) I'm a note taker...I have more index cards with 'to-do' lists laying around then I care to admit, so I had plenty of projects to choose from...the drawback is, even if I thought of something I should do 8 months ago and by now it's completely slipped my mind, there's a DAMN note to remind me. Anyway...I finished the boys' room...which was really starting AND finishing, since I hadn't done anything except decide that it needed to be done...these are the pics, but they really don't do it justice. I don't know if the light was bad (it was at night) or what, but the colors don't really look exactly like it shows. I sort of divided the room, 1/2 is where the bunk beds are, and the other 1/2 I made into sort of a game-room/lounge area, since big-guy is a "tween" now and always wants buddies over to play playstation and such. The wall where the posters are is painted with magnetic paint (such a pain in the ass, and doesn't really work all that well...avoid it.) and I made the tables and room divider out of PVC and mdf board (tables) and fabric (divider). The boys wanted something "army" but there was no way I was going to camo the walls, so I went with a desert sand color on two walls and sort of a mossy green on the others...then I got them army-ish blankets for the beds and green stripe sheets. I picked up two storage trunks (wicker) with padded tops to sit on at Big Lots, and re-covered them with sort of a "woodsy" fleece that matches the walls, blue fabric, and sheets. Oh, and yes, that is my husband playing the playstation...he's the biggest kid of all. People think I'm joking when I say I have twin 10 year old boys, but really, I'm not.

The boys? They love it. And that's what counts.

New French au pair has arrived. The kids call her Nella, which is cute. Except she hasn’t been around long enough for them to remember remember, so baby girl asks 100 times a day, and little man asks but then doesn't really listen, so sometimes he calls her Banana and sometimes he calls her Vanilla. Close enough. I really like her so far. And I think she was happy to see me leave for work...the hardest part about the last place she was (aside from having to share a 1 bedroom apt. with a family when they were in ny and having to sleep on a cot outside the baby's room in case there was a noise) was the fact that the mom was a stay at home, so she said she often wondered why she was even there...you know if the kids have a choice they'll always go to mom. So, I left her for a few hours with the 2 little ones yesterday, kind of ease her into it, and when I came back she said things were "perfect", and in the time span I was gone she'd done the kids laundry, folded and taken upstairs, practiced letters with little man, made lunch, laid baby girl down for a nap, and was upstairs playing video games with little man (his favorite thing to do EVER), and who knows how much else. So I think the first couple of days, with me or dh there the whole time, she was feeling a little uncomfortable...like she should just hang in the background...so when we left, she finally had something to sink her teeth into. I like her. Hopefully I'll still like her in a month.

I did cry when crappy au pair left. Big fat tears of joy. Then I threw a party. With balloons. And copious amounts of vodka. She didn't even say goodbye to anyone (again), or wish big guy a happy 10th b-day or anything. Bitch whore.

Test was better than expected. I crammed my ass off, and it paid off big time. Note to self: perhaps it would be a good idea to read the chapters earlier than two nights before the test. I was seriously overwhelmed at the amount of information I had to digest...would have been a lot better if I didn't procrastinate so damn bad. Hopefully sometime this weekend I'll get a chance to start reading the stuff we're covering next.

Seen coming out of Walgreens last night...parked in the front row just outside the door was a huge van. In the driver's seat was a woman. A large woman. Our eyes met and I thought it was strange that she had the look of a deer caught in the headlights...sort of trapped and caught off guard. She looked away, and then I saw that she was holding a 3/4 full cake pan, eating with her hands. And I knew. I knew she thought I was judging her, mocking her, making assumptions about her life, her size, her choices. But really, it just made me a little sad. I wanted to knock on the window and maybe give her a hug, and tell her that she was okay. I remember that feeling. I remember hiding in closets and eating everything I managed to sneak from the pantry. I remember taking boxes of cake mix, and a cup full of water, mixing, and eating and eating and eating, and how ashamed I was that I was stealing food from my own house to escape the critical lecture I was faced with any time I ate more than she thought I should. And how you feel like stuffing yourself, or binging like that will make you happy, but all it does is make you feel like shit. Physically, mentally, emotionally...just shit. So I'm sorry I made eye-contact, I'm sorry the lights in the parking lot were so bright, because it's not bad enough to be doing it to yourself, it's even worse when someone catches you.

things have been crazy. between me working insane hours in the wee hours of morning and the late late hours at night, around hubby's schedule since we are sans child care for the time being, and trying to keep the house semi-organized...okay, well, not so much, but at least getting the kids fed and at school, sometimes fully dressed...I need a vacation. crappy au pair is still at the house, she locks herself in her room and disappears for days at a time, often showing back up at 11 at night, ringing the doorbell, which of course riles the dogs and wakes the kids...it's been great. and get this...the family taking her was bitching about having to pay for a plane ticket, and didn't want to house 2 girls while they waited for their au pair to decide where she's going (she turned us down again yesterday...just doesn't want to watch 4 kids), so they've been dragging their feet. now they say they don't want crappy au pair to come until next monday (23rd)...some crap about the wife not feeling well blah, blah, blah, but here's the best part...they bought her a BUS TICKET. How fing funny is that? A small part of me feels bad for her, because that will pretty much suck, let's face it. But the rest of me is screaming "HA. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A BITCH, BITCH!". Like that. In all caps.

seriously...read this...the one titled "The house, we shall engulf it in flames, and then we will begin anew."

I fucking hurt myself trying not to laugh out loud.

okay. so we had our meeting on Sunday to get the process started to kick the au pair out. She was so strange. she was sitting there on the couch next to the counselor, but she wouldn't make eye contact with either of us...she was sort of staring off toward the tv (had it turned on to keep the kids occupied), and every time something was said to her, she would say "huh"? and it would have to be repeated. whatever. anyway, the counselor sort of lit into her about taking the car and not having a license and not knowing where the kids were and she was completely unfazed. Like "and? your point?"...unbelievable. then the counselor said something about how no other family was going to let her drive w/out a license and asked when she intended on getting it, and she said "I don't know." So the counselor said, well when I talked to you last Friday you told me that TJ was taking you on monday to get it and she blew up..."I DID NOT! You are making things up! I never said that!" on and on and on. So, the counselor, who kept her temper pretty well, said "well, you know, I DO take notes when I talk to au pairs, and I have it right here that you said that and then I said I found that strange because neither D or TJ had mentioned that to me". So she yelled at her some more (which, hello? this is the person that is going to get you into a new house...wouldn't you be smart enough to be NICE?) and then said, "no, I told you he was taking me to get my social security card" to which I butted in "NO. You've had that for 2 months." Bitch. (that part was in my head). So, carrying on, counselor asked her if she was serious about being an aupair...did she want to go to another family. She said no. So counselor said "well then you go back to Thailand", so then she pretended she didn't understand the question the first time and said that she did want another family, but one with one or two children only. So then counselor said "I have to be able to tell these prospective families about you...what are your good qualities?"...and she said "I don't know". so counselor said "you can't tell me anything you're good at?" and she said "no." So counselor turns to me and asks me, and I have to rack my damn brain to come up with something nice to say about someone I don't like and didn't take good care of my babies. Great. So then at the end, counselor says that according to our contract, she has to stay and take care of the kids until I find a new aupair...so I said, "If it's all the same to you, she'd rather stay with her friend, and we're uncomfortable and tense with her here, and we've already made other arrangements, so she can just move out now." So she packed her bags. Right before counselor left, she said to her "make sure you have a nice goodbye with the kids, since you've been a big part of their life for 6 months and we want to make this a smooth transition..." So, her friend pulls up in front of the house, she takes her bags to the porch and she says to me "thanks for everything" and slams the door. No goodbye to the kids or anything! Bitch. (that one was out loud, but she was already gone)

So, fast-forward to Monday morning, 7 AM...

Regional corporate manager calls me...sorry for the early call, blah blah blah...apparently she got an "emergency phone call" that was patched through to her last night at 10:30...some guy she didn't know claiming that the agency "kicked out an au pair and left her homeless"...turns out, au pair never mentioned to the friend she was staying with over the weekend that she was going to MOVE IN. Friend is also an au pair...when the host family saw that mine was still there, they asked why she hadn't gone home yet and she said "oh, because I'm moving in here for a few weeks till I find a new family" to which they replied..."Um, no you're not." So she spent the rest of the night calling other au pairs, having them call their counselors, and then when she couldn't get any takers, she started calling people she met in her English as a second language class...finally ended up on the doorstep of her teacher (wife of the guy who called) with a sob story about how they left her homeless and penniless, and could she stay for a few weeks and borrow some money. WTF? So, Regional lady says "you've been fed a load of crap" to the guy, and he tells her, "well she can stay here tonight, but she's not moving in with us." SOOOOO....since I'm contracted to her until I find another, and she has no where to live, I had to let her move back in. Counselor told her to stay in her room and out of our way since we'd made other arrangements and she didn't want her bothering us. So far I've seen her once. Although she did ask my husband if she could have her cell phone back. Um. NO.

So Monday, she was supposed to call us and tell us what time she'd be moving back...she called and said she would be home at 9:00 that night. Fine. So, I left oldest boy's last baseball game of the season to be home sort of on time...got there at 9:10...put the kids to bed...did some homework...cleaned the kitchen...went to the garage w/husband to finish the table I'm making...she finally showed up at 11:00! No fing phone call, nothing. So I called counselor the next day and said "this is bullshit. she has no respect for my time, I left my son's game early to be there, blah, blah, blah...tell me realistically, what actual responsibilities do I have to her? do I have to drive her to school? etc" and she said "um, I guess you sort of have to feed her, but other than that I wouldn't do a thing." So she's sort of an unseen creature that inhabits a room upstairs. She leaves us alone and we leave her alone. I imagine it will only be a short time before she completely loses her mind.

So, my way out, is to find a new girl as soon as possible. As soon as the new one is here, the agency has to provide other accommodations for this one. So that’s what we're working on. The one we're calling tonight is German, and, on paper, looks great...we'll see.

TOO. MUCH. STRESS. MUST. ESCAPE.