Sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to be a wife. Or a mom. Or the responsible one. The one that schleps to work everyday to do something that seems vaguely like wasting one's potential away, only to finance the life the entire family is accustomed to but isn't what you dreamed it would be.

I'm tired. Of worrying. Of careing. Of wishing. Of feeling like I'm surrounded by selfish bastards that couldn't give two shits about how their actions affect those around them. And of feeling like they've got the right damn idea and I'm the idiot for not joining in.

Sometimes I think, "Today, I just won't GO home." But that won't solve anything. Sometimes I think, "Today I'll find the words to make them UNDERSTAND". But I'm pretty sure they don't exist. Sometimes I think, "Today, when someone asks 'how are you today' I'm just going to go ahead and say that I'm pretty sure I'm having a nervous breakdown, but thanks for asking". But I always chicken out. I always say "fine". I always lie.

Missouri is sweating. Either that or it finally rained a little bit last night. It’s sort of hard to tell at this point.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to curb this sleeping problem I’ve been having for the last year or so. I’ve been googling and googling and came up with a lot of info about supplementing with zinc & magnesium. Pretty much everything I read said that most people that supplement with z & m, sleep better. With the possible side effect of “strange and vivid dreams”.

So last night I picked some up on the way home.

Findings? Well, I can’t say I felt like I slept “better”. I still had a difficult time falling asleep and still woke up way too many times. However, I did have one dream that my mother was dead, and another that I had cancer and was taking my kids out for ice cream because it was the last day I was going to be alive. So, if by “strange and vivid” you really mean “horrifying and depressing”…right on!

Ever had one of those days that NOTHING sounded good to eat?

Rare, for me, but all day today I've been dreading meal time. Nothing sounds good. Not even cheating. Not even the pizza my co-workers got for lunch, or the cookies the freight guy brought to thank us for our business. (Neither of which I took part in, thankyouverymuch)

And now, I'm looking at the clock and thinking I should be eating again in the next hour, and I'm not the least bit interested.

Ughhh.

Have you ever been standing in the middle of the living room and looked up and noticed a layer of dust on the ceiling fan hanging from the vaulted ceiling, and you think to yourself "I should really go get the ladder and the little extension-pole thingie and get that cleaned up, but....it just seems like such a hassle..."

Yeah. Like that. Only with food.

What do you mean "most 5 year olds don't get fake teeth for their birthday"?

workouts have been going pretty well...seem to have hurt my shoulder a bit yesterday (must have been straight-leg dead's??? can't think of anything else) but I'm actually thinking I *hurt* it on Thursday, and this just re-aggravated it. Hoping it stops hurting by tomorrow. It's really strange...it's been a "nagging" injury for about a year and 1/2 now...started when I tried to move the weight machine by myself (dummy!) and after 6 months I went to the Dr., who, after X-ray, decided he was *sure* I had tendonitis, and gave me a cortisone shot. 6 weeks later, I went back again, shot had given me no relief, and he gave me another. No relief. He said I can give you another, and I said "what's the point?". I never went back. I think this shoulder was a driving force in my year of basically not working out. Eventually, it stopped hurting, and I would go days with no pain, but then I'd reach the wrong way, or sleep the wrong way, or pick up my daughter the wrong way, and I'd be in pain for another couple of weeks. So, I'd say, it really never did "go away". Now, it seems to be back with a vengenance. Which pretty much sucks. So, I'm going to have to look up some shoulder rehab exercises online or something, because today? it's totally driving me crazy. The pain is strange too...sometimes burning, sometimes sharp knife-like, and it migrates. Right now, it's right at the front of my shoulder, where clavicle meets humerus, but earlier it was "burning" on the entire rear surface of my shoulder blade, and before that it was a sharp & burning sensation (alternating) going up my trap and into my neck. I have no idea.


Meals are totally on track, biggest problem so far has been "allowing" myself a 10% meal...I get obsessed with not "blowing it", and I have a hard time giving myself slack. I had one "10%" and it was yesterday...right after my workout, a banana with about 1 TBS of Nutella. Delicious, but guilt inducing. And, comparatively speaking to my past regressions, extremely tame.

On tap for today is a little relaxation...daughter has a riding lesson in an hour, I've got to stop by the grocery store for a few little things, and then maybe head down to the pool...the sun's probably good for my shoulder, right???

You know how some mornings you stumble into the laundry room in a sleepy haze and pull a nice clean soft towel out of the dryer and then you hang it in the bathroom within easy reach of the shower, and then you take a long hot shower and you're feeling almost human, and you turn off the water and you reach for the towel and you bury your face right into the warm fuzzy center...

and RIGHT THEN you realize it stayed in the washer just a bit too long.

Good morning! How did your day start?


***and also??? can anyone tell me why my office smells like ketchup?

Happy Birthday Big-Guy...Hope it's as awesome as you are

Day one of the PN transformation that I think I've talked myself into doing.

I have until midnight to finish the application, which is good, because I can't find my fing calipers and you need to include skinfold on the application. whatever. but I ordered a new pair from Netrition, so all is good and they should have delivered today, except that in my email was a message from friday saying they haven't shipped yet and now, crap, long lunch to try and find a pair at the local health food store.

also? packed my lunch(es) last night, so I'm totally prepared to eat healthy all day at work. Except that I forgot the cooler in the fridge. and also my breakfast on the counter. I rock.

I'm blaming it on the narcotic pain medication I'm still taking to control the dry socket.

Day one of the PN transformation is tomorrow! Yipee!

Not even mentioning the long absence. or the part about DCFS. or about my cheating brother-in-law.

I will, however, say that oral surgery sucks ass. And dry socket? also not good.

Last week was Founder's Day, here at work.

Since our founder was quite fond of Kit Kat bars, we gave out a Kit Kat to every customer.

I should have made it clear, right up front, that the leftover box should not have been left in my office.

Oink.

things I hate today:

1. the Easter Bunny. He should know by now that I can't be trusted with chocolate and peanut butter in the house. For shame.

2. Who ever stole my aloe lip balm. My lips are chapped and I hate you. You know who you are.

3. the insurance company that will only give me 14 Lunesta's a month. Obviously, you feel I really only need to sleep every OTHER night. I tend to disagree.

So I had to have the sex talk with my 7 year old. awesome.

It all started because one of the guppies that we have is knocked up. so that lead to a "how did she get that way" talk. So, taking the advice of all the crap I've read on the subject, I started out by just giving her a little information, and then letting her ask follow-ups, figuring no sense telling her EVERYTHING if all she really wanted to know was a little, you know? As it turns out, she wanted to know everything. When we got to the part where she said "well, how does the sperm GET to the egg?", and I explained the basic premise to her, I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing.

You know that look you get on your face when you wake up in the middle of the night, all sleepy and groggy in your jammies and your favorite cuddly socks and you shuffle out of your room for a drink or whatever and you step right into a pile of cold dog vomit? THAT's the look she got on her face. She paused for a minute, and then looked at me and said...

"Wait. Let me get this straight. You did this FOUR times?"

Priceless.

Right. So I’ve been gone awhile. Sue me.

First there was the work thing, in that I’ve actually been working, which, I know, was completely foreign to me last year, but wow, sort of a new trend for me it seems. Then there was the whole “yeah! I have mono!” thing which sort of sucks in a big ass way, and I couldn’t take any days off work so I had to suck it up and drink 7 x the normal caffeine I drink in a day to keep my eyes open, which is making me retain so much water I could double as a parade float, but hey, I’m here and sort of half-way functioning. Then blogger decide to change to google, which is really not a big thing, but I had to create a new account and passwords, and all that stupid stuff, which really took me about two minutes once I decided to do it, but up until then just seemed like such a hassle. I’ve got mono, leave me alone.

So, let’s see…

Christmas vacation with the family in MI? Yeah. Suffice it to say that, while it was nice to see my family, it was not so nice that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US caught a stomach bug and barfed for 36 hours. First day, husband. Second day, baby. Third day, no one! Forth day, 4 year old (and I should mention, he chose to wait until we were at a fancy dinner party, and barfed all over their basement carpet, down my sweater, and even past the waistband of my pants), fifth day started with oldest, then about 6 hours later, the 7 year old, then about 5 hours later, ME! 6th day, we drove home. Happy holidays, ya’ll!

Micro grade? A (hah! Suck it high-school science teacher that said maybe I wasn’t “cut out for science”)

New class? A & P I…Lots of memorization, and, check it, she marks off for spelling errors. THAT sucks. I use my spell-check way too much as it is…now I have to remember how to spell things like Endoplasmic Reticulum? What the hell? Lab teacher is awesome…number one, she’s a DVM, and, as anyone that’s been to my house can tell you, I’m a sucker for animals. Number two, she’s extremely snarky and completely anti-establishment, and that makes me like her just because. Lecture teacher is, I swear, trying to kill me. She mumbles. She mispronounces a LOT of words (like “cadaver” …it DOES NOT rhyme with McGyver…I’m sorry to be the one to tell you.). She told us that she’s an Endomorph, so no matter what she eats or if she exercises she’ll always be fat…that’s how she’s genetically programmed…BULLSHIT. She talks constantly about her husband and his diabetes, herself and her diet, her fair skin, her tendency to have heat exhaustion, etc, etc, etc…and about 90% of the time, her “stories” have nothing to do with the lecture. She does this weird ‘inhale through the teeth’ that makes this horrible squeaky-sucky sound every time she says something that she thinks is clever , funny, and, just for good measure, throws another in about every 5th breath. It’s a test of my patience, I tell you.

Oh, and still with the chronic hives. Yipee!

Worked out twice this week, which is two times more then I’ve managed to do in the last 4 months…shut up, I’ve got mono.