This contest at the gym could possibly be the worst thing I've ever done in recent history. Talk about unearthing dormant eating disorder type behavior. I've become obsessed with the scale. Seriously. I can tell you what I weigh before my shower, after my shower with my hair in a towel, after I'm dressed, before the shoes and after, right after I get home from work, in my jammies, long and short pair, and right before I go to bed. And sometimes in the middle of the night. It's a bad bad thing.

Twice this week I found myself at 1:45 am standing in the kitchen eating cookies basically in my sleep.

As further proof of my loss of sanity, I actually cut into a grapefruit at lunch yesterday and thought to myself "dammit! This was supposed to be a ruby red!" instead of thinking "a grapefruit? You've got to be fucking kidding me"

I love the personal training. The workouts are interesting and difficult and I'm really enjoying that part of it. Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do the extra cardio I really need to do, being as it's like 108 out every freaking day and that just doesn't make me feel like running much.

And I really feel like I'm not eating enough. I'm shaky and tired and cranky all the time and tired...did I mention tired? But I'm so afraid of adding food (see problem with the scale above). So then I go for 4 days or so feeling tired and cranky and shaky and tired and then I have a breakdown and eat 1/2 a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. Not that I did that today or anything...stop looking at me like that.

So the battle continues. And though I'll be sad when all my personal training sessions are over, and I really can't afford to continue them (time or money), I'll be so happy when the "contest" is over and I can just get back to feeling a little more normal.