I sold my jeep today. Really, it was silly to hold onto it for so long, I mean, it's not very practical to have a '95 Jeep when, the majority of the time, you're carting around 4 little ones. I guess a part of me held onto it because it was my "toy", and the other part was because it reminded me of the past. I bought it back when I was seperated from my husband. It wasn't a pretty seperation, and none of it was my idea at the time. I was devastated. I was hurt. It was horrible. I had wrapped my whole identity up in being "the wife of" and I had basically lost myself, so when the seperation happened, I fell apart. It was ugly. But, after some time had passed, I started to get my act together. I started taking care of myself. I made some new friends, I re-kindled friendships long forgotten, I learned how to laugh. And I made an astonishing discovery...I'm a good person. I'm a worthy person. I am smart and funny and kind, and I didn't deserve the shit I'd been putting up with. And I didn't deserve what it did to my self-esteem. And I didn't deserve being last in line. And most importantly, I didn't deserve to lose myself. And I started getting better. I started laughing more. I made big and important plans. I made silly jokes. I made lots of cookies. I made my kids laugh and sing and dance. I found myself, and I liked what I found. And that's when I bought the jeep. So I think I've been scared. Scared to let go of the tangible reminder of that time...the time that started off as the worst in my life, but ended up as the best thing that ever happened to me. I've been scared that by letting it go, I'd be giving up the lesson. Scared that I'd be selling my soul in the front seat of a '95 jeep. And it seems so silly, really. To identify so much with a kicky little car that you're scared when it leaves, that a piece of you will follow. So, today, I say goodbye. And I hope the memory I have is enough to keep me from forgetting what terrible and horrible things can happen to a person when they forget to care about themself. And I hope the memory I have is enough to keep me from forgetting how I felt with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair, after spending so much time in the dark. I hope I remember that I'm good and kind and funny. I hope I remember to bake cookies with my children and to dance around the kitchen table. I hope I remember to take long walks in the sun and to run so fast I can feel the wind in my hair. I hope.

Oh my god, I'm getting an ulcer. DH is off today and he wants to drill a new hole in the house (our dryer venting is set up really stupid...like it travels 300 feet and makes 14 turns, and is all clogged up and overheated my dryer, so instead of taking it all down, cleaning it and replacing it, and having to repeat the process every 4 months, we decided to just run a vent out the near side of the house, where it should have been done in the first place). Here's the thing though...he's going to screw it up. I hate to say that, but he will, and I asked him not to do it until I'm there, and he's all offended and screaming "I can do it", but he can't. he really really cant. this is totally my department. I mean, last night he came in the house and said "The motor in the miter saw just burnt up right in the middle of a cut" (he was cutting firewood). 10 minutes later my son said "the tv downstairs won't turn on"...DH gets all fired up that everything's burning up, having a total fit. so I said "umm, two things not working at the same time could mean you popped a fuse...did you check the breaker" to which he replied "where's the breaker?" Seriously. this is my department and I don't want him doing this. it's gonna be so screwed up and now my belly's upset cuz it'll take me $200 and 3 weeks to fix whatever he's going to screw up. I need to go cry now.

I got tanked on Friday. I've found that after 4 or 5 vodka's you care substantially less about the pain in your shoulder, that just refuses to go away. At 4:00 in the morning, I got up, took some Tylenol, drank a water and ate a Cadbury Egg. You know, cuz there's nothing better when your stomach is threatening to revolt, then a sugary glob wrapped in a chocolate shell.

So I'm standing at the checkout of Walgreens with a super econo sized box of feminine hygiene products, a diet coke, and a Take 5 candy bar. Now, personally, I would see the hygiene products and the chocolate and figure "well, yeah, that makes perfect sense", but apparently not everyone knows that chocolate is the cure for the pms that ails ya. The lady behind the counter said "oh, are those Take 5's any good" to which I replied "they're my total favorite!". So she says to me "are they like a diet bar?" and then I had to kill her.

First, I thought, maybe I should explain to her that I was going to eat it with a balanced portion of protein so that it would still fit into my nutritional plan, and then I thought, why the hell do I have to rationalize my candy bar to her? Who is she? The calorie police? Bitch.

On Friday I flew into Michigan and spent most of the day at the corporate headquarters of the company I work for.

I haven't been there in a long time...a really long time. And, I think the last time I was there, I was fully and quite obviously knocked up.

Still, exactly how many people can exclaim "you look SO thin!" before you start to think to yourself "why didn't anyone tell me I was a huge lard-ass?"

answer? approximately 18.

This just in: Zicam Nose Spray makes me sneeze. A lot.

That is all.

I seriously cannot stop eating this fucking trail mix. good thing I have like 14 more pounds waiting for me at home.

And seriously? Otter made me pee in my pants just a little. Crop circles and #9 on the top ten list...so funny.

People make things harder then they need to be.

I found the dog a great home...this guy just had to have his french bull put down after 12 years, and has been SO lonely without him...met the dog and in 2 seconds was telling her "come here so daddy can take a look at you"...absolutely fell in love.

So, I called the adoption agency, and he wants me to arrange a time that the guy can come to his office (50 minute drive) to fill out the paperwork. Ok. No. There's got to be a different way. I mean this guy is recovering from a bout of gout (look at me! I'm a poet!), and, frankly, making an appointment an hour away to fill out paperwork is not going to happen. I offered to take the paperwork out to him and then return it to the agency on the weekend when they're here for an event, but the adoption guy is being a jerk about it. Doesn't he want his dogs to go to a good home? You can drive out here to the petstore every weekend, and beg people to take your dogs but then when someone wants one on a Thursday you make him jump through hoops? Oy.

SUCKER.

It's written on my forehead in big black bold indelible ink. I ran into the lady I used to foster dogs for and, of course, they're short foster parents, and, of course, she talked me into keeping a dog until she could find a home. But, damn. She's so flippin' cute!

Is there a particular reason that nine year olds argue about EVERYTHING? It's fucking exhausing.

You know, normal people, when told they'd better hurry up or they'd miss something (say, oh, the bus) would shut up and put on their damn shoes. Nine year olds? They find that a perfectly reasonable time to throw themselves into a frenzy..."I'll never make it in time, you'll be mad at me, I'm gonna get in trouble, I'll be grounded for a year, it's all my sister's fault, she touched my toothbrush, someone messed with my jacket..." in one of those horrible tight whiney voices...

And I woke up this morining thinking it was going to be a good day.

I've watched this 8 times so far this morning. and I'm not done yet.

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgebushdrunk.mov

Last night I killed a bird.

I was driving along, minding my own business, 1/2 way through my drive home, and I saw something out the front window. I had enough time to think "what the he..." and BAM it ran right into my windshield. Of course I freaked out, crouched down with my eyes shut and had a little panic attack, because, obviously, I'd completely forgotten about the large piece of glass that would actually keep the bird from hitting me in the head.

It took 10 minutes for my heart beat to return to normal.

You know what they call it when you stand at my front counter and bitch about how our catalog is old and that we don't have a new one out yet and then you give me your credit card to pay for your stuff and the card is declined?

Karma, bitch.

here's a fun little quiz for you...

Q: How stupid does a person have to be to pick up the phone, accidentally let it slip out of their hand, manage to grab it by the cord, swinging it madly in some sort of twitching over-correction which then bonks them in the side of the face right on the eye socket, hard enough to give them a black eye?

A: About as stupid as me.

Just returning from 7 days in Michigan with my family, so my house is trashed with leftover Christmas wrapping and toys galore and now unpacked clothes and snow pants and sleds, and I was just so happy to be home that I left it all and went to bed. Of course, working today, and hockey game tonight, so it may stay a wreck until I get off work tomorrow. At which time I WILL be going to kickboxing, as I haven't been there in two weeks and will miss all of next week as my hub goes to Florida for a seminar.

I think I left Michigan at least 2 pounds heavier then when I arrived, though with all the sodium and none of the water and all of the cookies and cakes and pie and lasagna and more cookies, it feels more like 10. Then today was my day to get back on track, only I remembered that it was the company holiday eat-fest, so, yeah, not so good yet today either. I'm going to attempt to treadmill it tonight, as I've gotten much less brave about running late at night, but we won't return from the hockey game till 10, so I may have to hit it before the game, which means right after work, which is never a good plan with all the kids and the dogs (well, dog, as my other dog had to be put down the week before Christmas) and the kids and the cooking of dinner, and the kids. I was going to hit the gym at lunch, because with all my complaining about how I'm wasting the money and have to cancel the membership and put more into my little collection in the basement, I've yet to actually cancel the membership. But, eat-fest was in full swing and we're a small group and my absence would have been noticed and everyone would call me a scrooge and there's nothing I obsess over more then what people think of me. I know, I know, I'm working on it. Like everything else in my life, it's a work in progress.

So now I've got 3 hours and a little more of work left, and still need to work out and go to Costco and cook dinner and scrape the algae off the fish tank and be done and at the hockey rink at 7:45. Maybe I'll get lucky and the baby will take a late nap and hub can take the boy to hockey instead of it being a family affair. Though then all the hockey mom's will talk about how I'm a terrible mother for missing my son's game. But sometimes you just can't win for losing, you know?

I did something terrible and also awful to my back. And I am MAD MAD MAD, and did I mention MAD. Bah. I've been on a, well...let's call it a "break", since I hate to say "complete binge fest coupled with complete lack of motivation", and was all fired up to be back in the gym this week...workouts planned, goals written, and then BAM. Out goes the back. Bah again.

Reading this today made me laugh right out loud...

"The San Jose Mercury News uses its weekly"How I Stay Fit" columnto talk about how I stay fit. A couple of factual oopses: I do not have "several" marathons to my credit, or even one, and it's not tendinitis that makes it hard for me to climb hills, it's fat. But what the hey. "

fyi I was reading this ---might be a book worth checking out...

oh, and did anyone else get this on their homepage this morning?

http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=7170da7d-b0ac-4964-9ffe-37bc17f897c7&t=c2&f=06/64&p=Entertainment_ifilmtop

I so cannot wait to get home where I have a dsl and can actually see it. He's my pretend boyfriend, you know.

Tina, you fat lard, come and eat some ham!

that is all.

Shhhh....don't read so loud.

Just back from a 4 day bender in Vegas with the girls...oy...my body hates me. Took an extra day off work to let my liver detox.

People don't eat in Vegas. Did you know that? I think we ate once a day, and the rest? Liquid calories. Sad Sad Sad state of affairs.

Cute boys in Vegas too...did you know? Oh. My. Cute.

Studio 54. Margaritaville. and 80 bucks for 4 aces at the nickel poker machine. Sweet dreams are made of these my friends...sweet dreams and hangovers.

Memo to hot boy in surfer shorts and flip-flops walking into the gas station:

"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"; but for you, baby, exceptions will be made

Right. So, if you're looking to lose about 9 lbs, you can totally do it with a 5 day stint with my friend the flu. Or, more precisely, some flu-type-ailment, since I totally don't do doctors, so it's best not to assume it was actually Mr. Influenza that knocked me off my ass, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a close relative. Maybe even an in-bred one. It's especially nice if you enjoy lying on the bathroom floor with your head pressed against the tile floor, which I incidentally thought was a whole lot cleaner before I had the opportunity to inspect it at close range, while wrapped in the only clean blanket that made it past the other 5 people in the house that were joining me on my little adventure. But, on the positive side, puking can be quite the ab workout. Just in case you were wondering.

And does it piss anyone else off that if I'd have had this, say, two weeks ago, my weigh in for the contest would have been much more impressive?

So, other than that, things have been status quo. I've backed off the workouts a bit and loosened up the menu, more for mental reasons then anything else, and I'm going to Vegas this weekend with two friends, so basically I plan on taking it easy till we get back. You do know they have buffets in Vegas right? Makes portion control a bit more tricky for me.

Oh, and my husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. We went to a fancy schmancy restaurant (4 star, impressed? don't be, we got a gift certificate). I actually had to go buy an outfit, since I'm smaller then my big clothes, and just a touch too big for my small clothes, and then, doing our best to look rather important and impressive, hit the restaurant. We sat in the lounge, which, apparently if you have a fancy schmancy restaurant you call the "living room" and scarfed down on the best mixed nuts I've ever had (mmmm...candied walnuts), got to our table, placed our order for our appetizer (which, from the little I had, was terrible) and were discussing how snobby the staff was (they make their bus-boys wear tuxes) and how we couldn't have been more out of place if we'd have been wearing clown suits complete with floppy shoes and squirting flowers, when my husband started having an allergic reaction to one of the nuts in the mix. Check please.

Get to the car, and, of course, I have to drive, have I ever told you that I HATE driving downtown with all the one way streets, and the people that just walk in the middle of the street paying no attention to the BIG CAR trying to drive and the generally having no idea where the hell I am, because I never go down there, searching what is essentially a dead city for some sign of a Walgreens, or, I don't know, maybe a hospital? Finally found a gas station that had some knock-off brand of benedryl, forced that down my gasping husbands throat, and headed back to the highway to try and find a hospital. He fell asleep and was still breathing, so I decided to drive back to the house where we had medicine...made him take that, and 20 minutes later, he was fine. On the plus side? We called the restaurant to find out what was in the nut mix, and told them why, and they said they were sending us a dinner for two. Hasn't arrived yet, so we'll see.

Okay, like wow. totally. you guys are the greatest, really. and when I win the lotto I will totally buy all of you something pretty and shiny.

For those of you that asked me to pass along the pruning of the arms advice, I will copy and paste below, but know that I got it from the queen of all that is fit, Skwigg, and please give all mad props to her, not me. She totally scares me and I don't want her throwing all her pointy star type cutting implements at my head.

For the one lone soul that wanted to know how I did it...sorry to disappoint, but I can't really give you a weight/rep breakdown. Not because I'm selfish, but because I'm mean. Just kidding, actually, because I changed the workout every week and never wrote anything down, cuz I'm a total spaz. What I can tell you is that I hit them hard, usually twice a week. I picked a weight that seemed heavy, and then kept upping the weight till I couldn't do anymore. I did super-sets, I did drop-sets. Lots and lots of drop-sets. Most of the time I was so sore I wanted to cry and most day's I planned on doing something completely different then I ended up doing. I took creatine. I ate more then I "should" have. That about sums it up. I can give you some ideas on how to shake up what you're doing, if you want, but as for what I did, it was kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants combined with keep-em-guessing, and just really made sure it was as heavy as I could go, and then a little heavier.

Okay, for the rest of you...here's the re-print of the advice Skwigg gave me...

You know how people say that most women don't have the genetics to get big and bulky? I think that I do. I think that if I wanted to be a professional superfreaking hulk, I'm one of the women who could pull it off.For me, getting my arms smaller and tighter had more to do with supplements and diet than changing my training. I started looking like an oak tree for two reasons... maybe three reasons.1) I was taking creatine. Big, volumized, hulking muscle cells. Stop taking it and they shrink a bit. Oddly, I have been able to maintain my strength. It takes several weeks to get rid of a creatine pump. So, you don't notice right awaythat you're getting weaker. Then, it's nothing dramatic. It just feels like you're having an off day. You know, like when everything is harder than it should be. If you force yourself through that, and keep lifting what you were lifting, your strength stays.2) I was eating A LOT of carbs. Great for getting big. Great for strength. Great for having lots of glycogen packed into your muscles. Not so great for looking like a dainty little thing. Have you noticed that women who really diet down tend to have small, flat looking muscles? They don't have that full, rounded look that you get when you're well-fueled and lifting heavy. Well, I had that look. I had the blown-up-with-a-bicycle-pump phenomenon.3) I let my body fat get too high. If you combine the creatine pump, with the carb fullness, with a layer of fat, suddenly you're an oak tree.So, supplement-wise, I got off of any muscle-builders and cell volumizers like creatine, glutamine, methoxy products. Nutrition-wise, I went back to letting my protein run higher than my carbs. I'm not low-carbing, but a typical day mighthave 140-160g of protein, 100-120g of carbs, and a whole lot of healthy fat. For me, that's how I lean out. It gets rid of the extra layer of pudge on my arms and it takes some of the fullness out of the muscles themselves.In order to keep my freak genetics in check, I'm already training my whole body 3 times a week. That's exactly what you're NOT supposed to do if you're trying to get big. So, it's what I do to keep things under control. It works well for a couple of reasons.1) You're burning a lot of calories doing a total body circuit routine. That helps keep your body fat in check.2) There isn't enough time in a 40-60 minute total body workout to do 4 exercises per body part and multiple sets. You end up naturally backing off on your muscle-hulk intensity. You're doing maybe one or two exercises per bodypart, and maybe 1-3 sets per exercise. You don't necessarily drop the weights,you're just not doing as many sets and exercises for each muscle group.3) By working all your muscles every 48 hours instead of once or twice a week,there isn't a hell of a lot of time for recovery and growth. You end up being more of a wiry endurance type than a bulky pumped type.I didn't change my cardio at all. I do 20 minutes of intense intervals 3 times a week. I do 30-60 minutes of moderate whatever-suits-my-mood a few days a week.Usually, just walking.Now, being a total nutcase, I even have pictures that illustrate my arm anxiety.On the left is Kelly Ryan, who is a fitness competitor, not even a bodybuilder.I always thought I wanted to look like Kelly, but you know what? Even she is too big and pumped, especially pre-contest. In my weird little heart, I know that's not really what I'm shooting for. I want to look more feminine than that. I want to be strong looking, but really sleek. So, on the right, we have Danielle Edwards. She has some very fit arms, but they don't look like they're about to explode. People wouldn't run screaming from her if she wore a strappy tank top to the mall. She looks more like a gymnast or a dancer than a Russian powerlifter.So, there you go. Everything you ever wanted to know about my arm hang-up. :-)Skwigg

Now, I couldn't get the pictures to copy and post, but you can look up Kelly and Danielle on the web. I agree with Skwigg, I'd rather be closer to Danielle, thus the change in routine. Oh, and BTW, I won most muscular and 2nd overall! Still haven't picked up my gift basket, since I know only 1st place got the cruise and now I'm in no big hurry.

Tree trunk arms and the bloat of a 4 day binge

So, I finally got the nerve to post a picture after my contest from hell at the gym. Yes, I know my arms are huge. Thanks for noticing. Luckily Skwigg gave me some good tips about how to prune my arms back to a less-freaky size. I would like to point out, for the record, that I started eating immediately after weigh-in and haven't stopped yet, so I have a bit of a carb bloat going on...I was tighter at the end of the contest, but my hubby had the camera at work and didn't bring it back till last night...thus the delay. Also, do you have any idea how hard it is to flex, and take a picture without your arms shaking? The flex is much more impressive in person, when I can concentrate on actually flexing instead of trying to hold the camera still enough that I don't look like you're driving by me at 80mph. In the mirror, I can totally see my upper chest muscles, but I couldn't seem to capture it on film...must need more practice.

Oh, blog, how I've missed you...

Well my contest at the gym is officially OVER and let me tell you, the end couldn't have come too soon for me. We get the official results on Tuesday, so I don't know where I came in, place-wise, but here's the scoop:

1.5" off chest
1.5" off waist
3" off hips

8# lost
bodyfat reduced by 9.4%

Not bad for 10 weeks...

The first thing I did, after weigh-in, was go to the grocery store and buy a piece of carmel turtle pie. Okay, two pieces, shut up. I ate them both while waiting in line at the bank. Now my belly hurts.

I realized on the way back that this was the first time in 10 weeks that I didn't even flip the box over and glance at the nutritional stats...I made sure I threw it away in the dumpster in the way back of the parking lot, just so I couldn't dig it out later and obsess over it. I know me all too well.

This contest at the gym could possibly be the worst thing I've ever done in recent history. Talk about unearthing dormant eating disorder type behavior. I've become obsessed with the scale. Seriously. I can tell you what I weigh before my shower, after my shower with my hair in a towel, after I'm dressed, before the shoes and after, right after I get home from work, in my jammies, long and short pair, and right before I go to bed. And sometimes in the middle of the night. It's a bad bad thing.

Twice this week I found myself at 1:45 am standing in the kitchen eating cookies basically in my sleep.

As further proof of my loss of sanity, I actually cut into a grapefruit at lunch yesterday and thought to myself "dammit! This was supposed to be a ruby red!" instead of thinking "a grapefruit? You've got to be fucking kidding me"

I love the personal training. The workouts are interesting and difficult and I'm really enjoying that part of it. Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do the extra cardio I really need to do, being as it's like 108 out every freaking day and that just doesn't make me feel like running much.

And I really feel like I'm not eating enough. I'm shaky and tired and cranky all the time and tired...did I mention tired? But I'm so afraid of adding food (see problem with the scale above). So then I go for 4 days or so feeling tired and cranky and shaky and tired and then I have a breakdown and eat 1/2 a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. Not that I did that today or anything...stop looking at me like that.

So the battle continues. And though I'll be sad when all my personal training sessions are over, and I really can't afford to continue them (time or money), I'll be so happy when the "contest" is over and I can just get back to feeling a little more normal.

I had a chicken breast and a kiwi for lunch, because today I am trying to be good, because tomorrow I have to try and make friends with the scale. but I have not had ONE glass of water yet because I just don't damn feel like it, which means I have like 6 hours left in the day to drink a gallon. slosh.

And, since I'm on the path of goodness and light, I worked out twice yesterday. TWICE. Which should totally make up for the drinking of the hurricanes and the eating of the deep fried alligator and the cake, the glorious cake. And today I am paying for it with all the terrible tiredness and the aches and ouch I didn't know I had a muscle there. But, regardless, I must venture to the gym today after work, because of the goodness and light path, and because of the damn scale that I would love to back over with my truck. Or drop out a window. Or drop out of a window, and then back my truck over it. Three times. So tonight I will be doing cardio, please think of me while you're enjoying your evening... but I can't do high intense, because my back still sort of hurts from the kickboxing I did a week ago, whereas I was completely off balance, but threw the hook anyway and cried all the way home. So tonight I will be on the damn treadmill for what will surely seem like fucking forever, to try and burn the same amount of calories that a quick 20 minutes of heart stopping vomit inducing high intense could have done. Woe is me.

Now I must go eat my pria bar (the non-barf flavored one) and drink 8 gallons of water.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

I took my first sparring class on Friday. There was this really nice NHB fighter there that I was fighting, and though I learned a lot, I spent most of all of my 3 minute rounds being yelled at. You see, I have this problem. I DON'T want to get hit in the nose. Anywhere else? Don't care. Nose? I'll run screaming. So, as usual, I manifested my issues onto those around me, and everytime I threw a punch, I aimed for the pad on his forehead. It wasn't "on purpose", and really, I didn't even know I was doing it, but then even after he pointed it out I couldn't seem to bring myself to hit him in the face. Even when he dropped his hands and said "HIT me!" Bam...my glove hit the pad. So then he thought he'd pop me in the face a few times, but, see, I was smart enough to pick the really really stupid looking headgear that has a catcher's mask, so, no problem, didn't bother me a bit. Oh, and FYI, don't care how stupid it looks, I will ALWAYS wear that one, because, hello, nose.

then we put on leg pads and kickboxed. Which was fun, but everytime I throw my rear round I apparently drop my hand. I know this because, everytime I threw my round rear, he'd punch me in the head. After the 3rd time I said "guess I'm dropping my hand, huh?" and he said "yeah, I knew you'd figure it out".

By the time I was fighting my last round, I was tired, and as such, my aim left a lot to be desired. So, during that round, I managed to actually hit him in the face (instead of the headgear) three times. But, like I said, I have issues, so it went something like this

me: BAM (shot to the nose)
me: "Oh, Sorry!"
him: "you're not supposed to say you're sorry. You're fighting"
me: "right"
me: BAM (nose again)
me: "OMG I'm so sorry (dropping hands)
him "Don't DO that" (hits me in the face, since my hands are down)

Repeat.

Oh, and I managed to hurt my back, throwing a hook when I was off balance. But, it's feeling much better today, so hopefully no harm done.

We leave for vacation tomorrow...so I can't go this week, but I'm totally going back. Maybe one day I'll even land a punch without feeling guilty.

Had my 2nd personal training session today.

1st, let's talk about the scale. I lost 1.5 lbs, which for me is like "yeah!", but she totally YELLED at me. she says I'm taking too many "liberties" with the diet she gave me and that everyone that is following her diet is losing weight much faster than me. She said I lack an adequate level of commitment. Ouch. I thought I was doing okay, and I'll certainly take a 1.5 lb loss over a gain or a stall any day. Plus, I thought that was a pretty "healthy" weight loss goal-wise. Anyway.

She worked my ass off, again (oh, if only that could literally be done in one session!) but she forbids me to kickbox on a day before I see her, because she said she's not getting enough out of me since I'm tired from the night before. I can see her point there...I was killer sore this morning and EXHAUSTED (couldn't possibly be exacerbated by her strict diet though), so after next week, I'll be changing the day I see her. but then she told me I'm one of her strongest contestants, so are you not getting anything out of me or am I strong...make up your mind lady!

So, I sort of already cheated at breakfast (had 1/2 a bagel) but I did it on purpose because I was so tired from last night, but other than that, I'm going to follow her diet EXACTLY for the next week (even though I sort of don't agree with all of it) and then see where that gets me. Then she can't yell at me if I don't lose "enough", because then I can be like "hey, it's your diet" and get all up in her grill and stuff. Oh, except I forgot that I'm a total sissy when it comes to confrontation, so I probably won't.

well, we're wrapping up week one here at contest central...I haven't weighed in yet (that's tomorrow morning w/trainer) but I did somewhere between really pretty good for me and not too terrible awful. I did 4/5 cardio workouts (I get really lazy come the weekend...have a hard time motivating myself to run after cleaning the house and mowing the lawn and oh, there's that not getting any sleep due to the 3 year old with the ear infection and all) I pretty much did the 3/3 weight workouts, only the last one was less a weight routine and more a weighted power 90 circuit, due to the fact that the crappy gym I work out at by my house is closing in Aug. and in preperation for closing in Aug. has decided to close on the weekends...yeah. convienent as hell. Upside: I joined a new gym today. As far as food...I did really really well till Friday. Lowering my carbs, though not as much as she wanted me too, but not eating any refined carbs at night. Then, Friday night, I was so exhausted and crabby I just wanted to cry. Fix? 1/2 a bagel with my chicken. NOT on her plan, but oh so much better then 1/2 gallon of cookie dough ice cream, no? Then Sat. the ear infection hit (3 year old, not me) and it was a rough day. I ate "clean" for most of the day, but only managed 3 meals, and then had a breakdown at 11:00 pm and ate 12 peanut m & m's. And, might I point out, how sad it is that I not only ate them, but I counted them first. Sunday, I woke, after the 15 minutes of sleep I got, with good intentions. Had a healthy b-fast, and then somehow managed to forget to eat until 4:00 that afternoon. I know. I'm broken. Did manage to eat clean at 4:00, and again at 8:00 so that's good...right? right? Today...so far, so good. Gotta grab something now and head off to kickboxing.

Onward to week 2.

Yesterday was my first day with my new trainer. And, incidentally, a night that I was going to kickboxing. My first clue as to what I was in for should have been when my trainer said “gee, I feel really bad about kicking your ass on a day that you’ll be back in a few hours for kickboxing…but I’m going to anyway”. Her idea of the “cool down” after so many squats and leg presses and jump squats and pushups with one hand on a step and step up’s with dumbbells and shoulder raises and curls, was to walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Oh, and did I mention it was at an incline of 15 and speed of 3.8? Yeah. Holding on for dear life THE. WHOLE. TIME. We talked about nutrition a little, but I’ve been doing a loose bfl for so long, that I kind of knew what she was talking about, so it didn’t take long. She does want me to pretty much cut out carbs in the afternoon, which I don’t think is going to fly with me. I get low on carbs and get all mean and headachy. And, she doesn’t want me to have any red meat for 10 WEEKS. Impossible. I’m a total carnivore, hate me if you must. Plus, I was raised by hillbillies so frankly she’s lucky that I don’t roll my protein bars in butter and cornmeal and deep fry them in bacon grease.

This morning? I woke up with legs of lead. Lead on fire. Molten lead. With other heavy stuff on fire mixed in. I briefly considered driving to the gym to throw rocks and sticks and large heavy pointed things at her, but I wasn’t sure I could push the brake pedal. So I fought my way down the stairs and wrestled the dog into her harness and hit the road. Her expectations are for me to do at least 5 days of high intensity cardio, which I figured was completely out of the question, you know, because of all of the lead and the fire. However, luck was with me, and, as it turns out, the uncontrollable sobbing as each foot hit the ground really does a lot to raise your heart rate.

Moving on.

After my two sessions yesterday, I arrived home a little after 8 and as I flopped like a rag doll onto the couch I said to my hubby “If I don’t sleep like a ROCK tonight, there’s something seriously wrong with me”. so, yeah, like I needed any clarification, of my serious wrongness, I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. By 2:30 I wanted to poke my eyes out. Again, though, luck was on my side, because I finally fell asleep around 3:15 and I didn’t have to get up to let the dogs out till 5:03.

Today will be long. Lead and fire, my friends, lead and fire.

Okay. 1st, my mom's partner finally died. I guess it wasn't easy either, but I didn't ask for any details, cuz she's taking it really hard, of course. Anyway, my point is, all of us kids have plenty of reasons to hold a grudge against my mother due to past "issues"...too long to explain, we'd be here all day...but while my siblings all continue to hold said grudge, I've been the one kid that has tried to let bygones be bygones, and continue a relationship, strange though it may be, with my mother. She's a weird bird, trust me. ANYWAY...since her partner died, I've been calling her usually 3 times a day, just checking up on her, offering that she should come down and stay with me for a bit, just to get away, etc. My brother? hasn't called her, says he won't. My sister, hasn't called her, says "why? I've got nothing to say". Me? On the phone, all the time. Point of the story, you ask? Well, I sent a gift basket to her for the "celebration of life" (read: wake) that she was having...you know one of those fancy ones with all the eats, and I signed the card from me and my hubby, my sister and her hubby, my brother and his wife, my dad and my stepmom, and all the grandkids. The day she got it she called to ask me if I saw the lovely basket my SISTER sent. I'm telling you I can't win. I've always known who the favorite is, but COME ON.

Last Monday, I signed up for a contest at my kickboxing gym...10 week transformation. I've kind of gotten bored with working out and burnt out on the bfl eating, so I thought this would be a good kick in the pants. So, my "trainer" was supposed to be Matt, and he was supposed to call me on Tuesday to set up a time to take my stats, run me through my 1st workout, and set up my workout/nutrition plan. Tuesday: no call. Wednesday: no call. I called at 3 and Kevin, the manager said "oh, Matt was out Tues., his wife had surgery, he got your paperwork today, and I told him to take special care of you...he'll call you later today". Okay, I can live with that. Wed. afternoon: no call. Thursday: Johnny calls...I'm your trainer...let's get you in here next wed. for stats and start. I was like, NEXT wed? that's like putting me a week and 1/2 behind! But, that's the best he could do, so fine. Whatever. Thursday night I just happened to be at the gym for kickboxing, and I saw Gretchen...head organizer of the contest. She says...NO...we need your stats before the weekend, can you run in for a minute on Friday, get your stats, and if you have time do your 1st workout? I was like YEH! then I'll only be a week behind...totally there. So Friday, I drive the 40 minutes it take me to get there, and JOHNNY DIDN'T SHOW! Okay. I'm now slightly aggravated (read: pissed). I talk to Kevin who wants me to come in Saturday, which I decline because there's no way I'm schlepping 4 kids to a gym that far away and then paying 5 bucks a head for their daycare. So, they schedule me for monday with Diane instead. Only on my way this morning, there's an accident on the highway, and my 40 minute trip took me 2 hours. Fuck. So I get there and she's already left. Gretchen went ahead and took my stats, which was good because their scale says I'm 2# lighter than my scale, and bad because I'm 27.5% body fat. Oy. But, she couldn't run me through a workout, because 1. she's a judge, and it wouldn't be fair for her to have a client in the contest and 2. she had a regular client waiting. So still no workout plan, and no nutrition plan, and I'm beginning to think someone just doesn't want me to do this contest.

End of rant. You may resume your regularly scheduled programming.

yeah, I know. It's been awhile. It's not that I don't love you, it's just that I've been busy/boring/unable to think of anything to write about. So here's a quick update, and I'll probably think of a million things I forgot to tell you, so, sorry in advance.

1. I almost punched my husband in the throat this morning because he set our alarm clock for 4:44 am, and then fell asleep upstairs. meaning: I had to get up at 4:44 am this morning, walk up 15 stairs and find his ass to wake him up. NOT pleased.

2. My brother's company is transfering him back home. Jealous much? Plus, they pay for re-locate, if his house doesn't sell in 30 days they take over payments, if his house does sell in 30 days, they give him 3% for not having to take over the payments.

3. But he has to have his dog put down, because it "snapped" and tried to kill everyone in the vet's office, so that sucks. (no, it's not the first time, but it's the first time that he did it with my brother there...they've been keeping him away from people and trying all sorts of training, but obviously there's something wrong)

4. My mom is gay. This is nothing new, but a preface to #5

5. My mom's lifepartner is dying. this is nothing new either...she's been fighting cancer since 2003, but it's like any minute now.

6. My vacation is 34 days from now, and I'm SO not ready for the beach. Do they sell liposuction in a bottle yet?

7. Work has been really really crazy, and we've been totally shorthanded and this is where I usually find my time to post, so I hope it gets better, since we just hired a new girl.

8. The new girl is 17, but, um, way younger than that. Like didn't know who Dolly Parton was young. Like sometimes skips instead of walking young. Like didn't know what West Point was, cuz she's "like totally not from around here" young. She just graduated on Tuesday.

9. My new aupair is homesick. And my kids drove her so crazy yesterday that she really really really wanted to go back home.

10. Oh, and she crashed my car this week. For the third time.

11. My 4th turned one. My 2nd turned six. Two parties, 4 cakes...insane amounts of chocolate calories.

That's all I can think of right now...

I was in third grade the first time I fell in love. A crushing, choking kind of love that left me speechless and trembling, hiding behind the lunchboxes under the bench in the coat room. And though, for the life of me, I can’t remember the name of the teacher I spent 5 days a week with, I’ll forever remember the name Mike Donahue.

He was a sixth grader, cool, composed and ultra-popular, and me? I was a frightened bunny, always scouting an exit and ready to bolt at a moments notice. But, oh, how I pined for him. Many a recess was spent sitting on top of that strange metal contraption. You remember the one…the ½ sphere set in the ground, that you could climb on, or over, or hide beneath when the urge would strike. But I never hid. I would perch myself on top, and pretend as hard as I could that I was aloof, and important, and precious…all the time stealing glances toward the blacktop where he played basketball, or tether ball, or just leaned, ever so handsome, against the side of the red brick building. I remember this, as clear as it was yesterday, and I can still feel that sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, knowing how far our worlds were apart. My first love, and my first, want that for which I cannot have. I vaguely remember a time or two when he chased me round the swing set, and the way it set my heart on wings; to be noticed, to be acknowledged. To run and laugh until my breath was gone and my cheeks were set rosy by the whip of the wind and the pain of my shyness.

At the end of the year, after many days of stress and worry, I finally worked up the nerve to ask him to sign my autograph book. Which may or may not be true, for as the years have passed I can’t recall if I actually asked, or if he, knowing the effect he had on me, asked if he could sign it. But I do remember the signature. And I do remember the way I so carefully dog-eared the page in a slightly different way then all the rest, so that I could find it on a moments notice. And I do remember tracing the flowing lines of the letters with my third grade index finger, and thinking how close I felt to being someone at that moment. And oh, the hearts I would trace with my finger, around and around. Never daring to defile the actual page with lead or ink…it was enough to imagine it there, to know it could have been there.

Many years later, my sister ran into him on the campus of MSU. Now “Dr.” Donahue, and she reminisced, and laughed, and caught up on years that had passed, and then, and then…he asked about me. He said he could still remember how everyday he would find me in the lunchroom, and come to say hello. He said he knew he could count on three things. I would never make eye contact, I would blush a bright red, and I would always offer him the dessert my mother had packed in my lunchbox. He said he always thought I was cute, in a third grade sort of way, and that my incredibly excruciating shyness was endearing. Almost as endearing as my willingness to hand over my ho-ho’s and twinkies, and cookies, and ding-dongs.

And though now, I can sort of somewhere come up with a hazy recollection of that lunch time routine, until she mentioned it to me, I had completely forgotten. And I guess, in a way, it just goes to show, that not only will a girl never fully outgrow a case of the bashful’s, but if she’s the type to, as a third grader, give and give and give, just on the off chance that it will make someone like her, she probably always will be.

All better. But still so tired. It's been so long since I've actually had a full night's sleep, it should really be a crime. Did not workout AT ALL for I think 2 weeks...Timeline for the size 4's not looking so good. I did, however, do a leg workout and go to kickboxing last night, so I'm sufficiently exhausted today, in addition to the sleep deprivation previously mentioned. It might even qualify as dog-tired, which, I imagine is the state of complete oblivion that my boxer slips into as she lays on her side and snores loud enough to shake the siding.

Two days ago I was laying on the floor playing with the baby, and then she got up and knocked over the vacuum cleaner I had next to the couch, and the handle hit me right on the bridge of my nose. Two black eyes later, and holy crap my face hurts. I didn't hear a crack, which is good, because I've already broken my nose twice and then had it re-broken when the 2nd doctor didn't set it right, and all I've got to say about that is freaking ouch, okay? I swear, if I would have heard a crack, I'd have pulled an office space on that stupid vacuum.

Bronchitis almost gone...Am starting to breathe again...Thank God for the Z-pack!

Last week was pretty much a bust. I wasn’t feeling well, so I spent the most of the week curled up with comfort food feeling sorry for myself. I did get the flowers planted, plus the others I bought looking for a star magnolia, and the third batch I bought when I went back to get mulch. That I need more of. It’s never ending. My dad and step mom and sister and niece flew in on Friday…my dad and step mom have never yet been to the house, and haven’t seen my kids in a year, so it was about time. My brother, his wife and their new baby drove in to meet us so we spent the day together. It was really nice to be around family. I forget sometimes how much I miss living near anyone. And I forget how much it squeezes my heart to say goodbye. Of course, Thursday I was a nervous wreck, because to say that my step mom is a neat freak would be an understatement. Of the century. Don’t get me wrong, my house is “neat”…just don’t open anything. No. seriously. Step away from the cabinet. What I really need is crazydogmama to come and organize me. God knows I’m completely incapable of doing it myself. So Friday was this beautiful day of beer and laughter and family and it went off without a hitch. Everyone had a great time and it was one of those feel-good kind of days. Course, I didn’t get to hold the baby…was still feeling a little under the weather, and didn’t want to pass it along, but other than that, great stuff.

Saturday I woke up without a voice. Not a sound. Not a squeak. Nothing. Still don’t have it back, which makes work interesting. Though not as interesting as trying to keep my four kids in line the rest of the weekend. There was a lot of foot stomping and hand clapping. Like that Marxx brother that didn’t talk…harpo? Yeah, that was me. Honk honk…stop hitting your sister.

I’ve also determined that when I’m completely wrecked from a night of no sleep (pre-step mom house inspection) I should not be allowed out in public. I went to the grocery store, just barely conscious, and did my shopping. Now, I’m a cheapskate, mostly because I’m always broke, so I go to the store that charges you less, but you have to bag your own groceries. Not usually an issue, because usually I go through the self checkout, and they happen to have the bags right there. This night, however, the self checks were closed and I was forced into a slow moving line. Finally made it through, paid for my stuff, and walked out the door to the truck. No freaking bags. Shit. So I load up the soda and water and milk…stuff that doesn’t need bags, and I sneak back in the side door, snatch a handful of bags and run out with my head down….no eye contact. I’m bagging, I’m bagging, I’m bagging…shit. Not enough bags. Side door is now closed. Shit. I have to go in the front door. Sneak in, grab way to many bags, and get the hell out of there. Worst grocery store trip since the time my daughter threw up in the cereal aisle.

See. This is what happens in my world. I'm going along, feeling swell, decide not to workout on Monday because I want to plant the pretty flowers I bought, and WHAM. I get sick. So now it's Wednesday, I haven't worked out yet this week, I've been eating nothing but comfort food, sneezing, coughing, and feeling sorry for myself. AND I still have a porch full of flowers that must go into the ground tonight before they all die and I kick myself in the ass for wasting more money. Oh, and I accidentally bought a few more today at lunch that I just couldn't live without. It's a sickness. The first step is to admit you have a problem.

And, by the way, I hate Paula Abdul. "Oh, Constantine, I LOOOOOOOVE you so much, oh, I'm just addicted to you...oh, blah blah blah"

Things I will do when I win the powerball jackpot tonight...
1. get my lawn graded and sodded. It's terrible. This will be my first full summer in this house, and something has got to be done. I mowed the lawn on Tuesday and by the end wanted to shoot someone. It's really clumpy and there's holes, and I'm pretty sure it's mostly weeds, cleverly disguised as grass. Bad.
2. buy new carpet. Oy.
3. and new furniture. perhaps some without the green marker and old blood stains from my five year old's last nose bleed (I TOLD her not to play football in the house) and blue gogurt stains.
4. breast lift ('nuff said)

Today, I have decided, is the perfect day to boycott. Though I am usually quite motivated to work out on Mondays, today it is supposed to be 80 and I’ve decided that I’m not spending any time in a hot and smelly room. Just not doing it. And I refuse to feel guilty about it. Okay, who am I kidding. I feel guilty, and will most likely blame this day and my lack of fortitude for most of my future transgressions, including, but not limited to, not fitting into my size 4’s on the timetable I have previously deemed appropriate.

But today, I am going to take advantage of the first gorgeous day of april and take a little lunch time run to the home depot. On the menu? Flowers, grass seed and fertilizer. And when I get home from work today at 5:15, I will be elbow deep in topsoil and daffodils. Because some days, a girl needs not only flowers, but to feel her hands in the dirt.

***update***
I got some lovely flowers in yellow and red and white...forgot the seed and fertilizer, but do love to support my local farmer's co-op, so may swing by on the way home from work. Oh, and now suddenly I have a sore throat and throbbing head. Yeah me!

Memo to the muscle head in the skin tight shirt:
When using the ONLY Smith Machine in the gym, could you please actually USE it? The fact that I wanted to use the machine for my chest workout today is completely beside the point. I was in the free weight room for a full 15 minutes doing bi, tri, and shoulders; and during said time you did nothing but flap your jaws with the guy who cleans the room. You may have all day to sit around and talk at the gym, but some of us are on a schedule. You may have 12” and 200 lbs on me, but I’ll cut you.

P.S. You’re not that hot. Get over yourself.

Memo to the couple in the matching track suits:
You’re adorable, we get it. Please stop flaunting. Is it really necessary to sit across from each other on alternating machines for EVERY set? And two people sitting facing each other on the same bench doing different exercises? Really not necessary kids. Don’t worry…with your matching outfits and your matching I-pods with the matching earphones that you leave dangling around your neck, we know you’re a couple, K? you really don’t have to hold hands between exercises, and use “baby” as every third word.

Memo to self:
Don’t wait for the yapper to finish with the Smith Machine by doing tri, bi, and shoulders, or you’ll be blown for chest when you finally decide you’ll have to use a machine if you want to get any chest in at all. And stay away from the double mint twins…they make your stomach turn.

I fought with a headache all day yesterday and was almost rid of it by kickboxing. So, when I arrived to the gym with 40 minutes to spare, I thought, I'll just close my eyes and listen to the radio for a bit and see if it helps my head even more...

35 minutes later I woke up.

What the hell? I must have fallen asleep in like 2 seconds, all bent over in a weird position with my head on my jacket and the truck still running...woke up with 7 minutes to get changed and wrap my hands.

maybe I should try to go to bed a little earlier.

On our walk last night, my 10 month old Boxer saw her first ever rabbit, and instincts being what they are, immediately decided “I MUST HAVE IT”. It’s a damn good thing I had a good grip on the leash, because she shot like a bat out of hell across someone’s yard, hard enough to pull me completely airborne, just barely landing on my feet about 5 ft. from the sidewalk, where my little foray into flying began. Quite the heart thumper, as I usually don’t have the coordination that God gave a cockroach, and was, while airborne, sure that I was about to do a header into the big mud puddle. She, on the other hand, thought it was great fun.

My new aupair that’s supposed to be here in April, was denied her visa by the American Consulate. Now I have to spend tomorrow morning on the phone trying to figure out why she was denied and if/how we can get her approved. Things like this make me want to punch someone in the throat.

my husband scheduled my son's hockey practice for tonight. TONIGHT. my kickboxing class night. gee, I've only been going almost every monday night for 4 months, yeah, I can see how that'd slip his mind.

Oy.

So I went to the gym at lunch instead, which is good, but not the same. plus, when I was on the angled leg press, I got this horrible stabbing pain on the lower, inside part of my right knee cap. enough that I almost yelped out loud and had to stop. weird. my knees have "hurt" before, but never a STAB like this was...hope it was just a fluke.

food has been a-ok today...even found a way to steer clear of the birthday cake in the breakroom so far.

I figured it out today, and I have 15 weeks to be a smokin' hottie for my husbands family reunion in New Orleans. Not that I feel like I have to impress anyone there, but I do intend to look good on the beach while I'm avoiding his family at all costs.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Normally I try not to think about my birthday, because usually it sucks. Like the one year, I was in the army and stationed in Texas and three days before my birthday I got a card from my mom. "happy birthday...blah, blah, blah, your sister took first in the horse show, blah, blah, blah, your brother is doing so well in school, blah, blah, blah, wish we could see you for your birthday, blah, blah, blah, oh, yeah, I'm divorcing your dad."


Then there was the year that my dad and his new wife flew down to Missouri to see me...I had just moved here with the company I work for, I didn't know a soul, and I was lonely. They said they wanted to sleep in a bit and that I should call them at 10 am and we'd go celebrate...I called 27 times. They never answered. Turns out the wife decided she wanted to go down to the casinos and see downtown, so they did it without me. They didn't get back till 8 pm. Just in time for me to drive them back to the airport.

There was the year I turned 21...Went to the bar, boyfriend got drunk, and I spent all night making sure he didn't aspirate on his own vomit.

Then there was the year that both my parents forgot. They called 4 and 7 days later, respectively, and said they supposed they just got so busy that it slipped their minds.

Then there was the year that my husband decided that this was a pretty good time to tell me he didn't love me anymore and thought we should divorce.

So, I try to ignore it. Really, can you blame me? But, this year, my 5 year old is obsessed with birthdays...She's been counting down mine for the last 14 days. Every morning she comes in the room and declares "only __ more days till your birthday mom!" and I try to act excited. She and her dad are going to try to make me a cake...Ought to be interesting...So I've been banned from returning home tonight right after work. Good excuse to go to kickboxing, though.

Oh, and my sister sent me the Dog Whisperer book and DVD, which is totally cool, because my dog needs professional help in a bad way.

Matter of fact, this has been the best birthday so far, that I can remember, mostly because nothing terrible has happened yet. We'll see what tomorrow will bring, but I'm feeling slightly optimistic, which is new for me, when it comes to birthdays.

Apparently I’ve begun hoarding food again. I didn’t really realize it until I opened a drawer this morning in the bedroom and found a bag of Hershey’s kisses. Then, when I was getting the new box of salt off the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet, I found three twix bars and a package of airheads.

I know it’s all a throwback to the years I spent sitting on the closet floor eating cake mix straight from the box, in the dark. An escape from the two women I lived with that, despite my athletic build and demanding sport schedule at the time, felt inclined to pepper me incessantly with insults and predictions that one day, the way I ate, I’d be “as big as a house”.

I also know that it’s a pretty clear sign that something in my head is amiss. Though, this time, there seems to be no one thing I can put my finger on, that would trigger this sort of self comforting behavior that normally occurs when I’m feeling quite at the end of my rope.

On the plus side...I got my other new pair of running shoes last night (I'm trying two different to check if my feet are fat enough to warrant the "wide" width) and my new this fish shirt yesterday! Two boxes on the front porch...both for me! I love boxes on my porch. It makes me feel happy on the inside.

the shoes fit fine. though I still can't decide which width is best.

the shirt...well, that will fit as soon as I'm done breastfeeding.

So, I got home at 5:20 last night. My husband grabbed the oldest and took him to hockey practice, and I sat on the couch to play with the little 3. The baby was hungry, so I fed her, and then she was sitting next to me playing quietly. All was well. At 5:35, my other son looked at the baby and said "EWWWW!", at which time I looked over just in time to see her puke all over herself, two couch cushions and the entire right side of my body. I grabbed her, ran for the bathroom, stripped her, stripped me, cleaned her, cleaned me, left her banging on the side of the bathtub in joy, grabbed all the clothes, threw them in the washer, and got out some towels to clean the couch. One minute into my cleaning frenzy, my oldest daughter came out and said "mom, the baby pooped and it's all over your carpet." I ran back into the bathroom to find out that not only did the diaper leak, but that she had stood up and sat down and stood up and sat down and stood up and sat down in 5 different places, allowing the *ahem* leakage to cover a more thorough area. Okay. So I cleaned her again and changed her again and put her, this time, in the bedroom, emptying out all the bottom drawers of the dressers in joy, while I added this set of clothes and towels to the puke load already started, and brought out the hand held carpet cleaner to clean the carpet in the bathroom. Bathroom finished, I took the cleaner out to the family room to clean the couch, only to find that my very old dog had accidently peed in the middle of the room. Okay. Dogs outside, start to clean the pee, baby's crying. Take her upstairs and put her in her bed for a nap, go back down, clean the carpet, spray with natures miracle, clean the couch twice, and, since it's out, try to clean the blood from a football throw gone astray, from three day's ago, that by the way, still won't come out. Baby's still screaming in her bed, so stop by the laundry room and add the two towels I've been cleaning with in with the puke-poop load. Go upstairs to get the baby. Find that her entire outfit and all of the blankets are covered in poop (no wonder she couldn't fall asleep). Change the baby, clean the baby, change the sheets and blankets, take downstairs and add to the load in progress, starting entire load over again and setting to pre-soak. Run a bath. Bathe the baby. Dry the baby, dress the baby, take the baby into the family room and sit in the rocking chair because the couch is wet. Rock the baby until almost asleep, at which time she pushes away from you, looks at you, smiles, giggles just a bit, and pukes on the front of your shirt. All by 6:30.

How was your night?

Dear lady in the checkout line with the missing tooth,
I realize that you may not have anything else to do tonight, but I'm sort of in a rush, so if possible, could you please double check the sizes of the 14 shirts you are buying BEFORE it is your turn at the register? Additionally, could you please refrain from saying 'what'd that ring up as?' for each of your items, being as there's a little display that shows you the cost right there in front of your face? And while we're on the subject of cost...if something rings up as 4.99, and you think the sign might have said 4.97, could you please not make the cashier do a price check for 2 cents? Here's a nickel, keep the change. Frugal is one thing, this is another. And when the cashier says "I'll just change the price" please don't INSIST that she do a price check so that you can pay the right amount, because I may have to punch you in the throat. Oh, and the 4 people behind you in the ONLY register open really don't care who you're buying the 5 different pairs of shoes for, or where, in the country they live. Buy a whole fuckload of shoes if you want, just be done with it already. And please don't stand there and ponder if you really want the red shirt you picked out, or if maybe you should go exchange it for the blue, after the checker has finished ringing you out and is, much more patiently then me, waiting for you to pay. And speaking of paying, could you please not be the slowest check writer on the face of the earth EVER. And, is it necessary to try and reconcile your checkbook right there on the little belt while the rest of us roll our eyes and try to keep from screaming? Please, just take your packages, and walk away. Please.

your cooperation would be appreciated.

have you ever felt like the universise is conspiring against your efforts to get in shape?
Let's recap the last 2 1/2 weeks, k?

me: alright! It's Monday and I can't wait for kickboxing

universe: oops, look at that, I'm going to have this girl hold the pad weird and you kick off center, and wow, look at the 14 shades of purple I've managed to turn your foot...nice limp, dork.

me: Well...tuesday...hmmm, can't fit my purple foot into my shoes... I know, let's go to the gym on lunch and do upper body

universe: ring, ring...yes, hello, this is the nurse at school...your son has a 102 fever and you have to come get him.

me: Wednesday...staying home with sick kid...still can't fit foot in shoe, I guess I can get to the gym before they close at 9, as long as my husband gets home from work on time

universe: hey, let's try 2 kids with strep and schedule a meeting for your husband that he forgot to tell you about.

me: thursday. Okay. Me. Gym. Today. Going. Two sick kids or not.

universe: how about 3 kids with strep. Still going? Okay, how about at 3 pm, you suddenly come down with a 102 fever.

me: I hate you universe. Friday...all four kids now have strep...oh yeah, and me too. I'll be in bed if you need me.

universe: I win.

me: Monday...still sick. can't go to class...

universe: ha ha.

me: Tuesday...cough cough. I really shouldn't be at work.

universe: yeah, but you need the money

me: Wednesday...almost feeling human...maybe I'll go for a quick walk tonight

universe: did I forget to tell you? you're husband's got strep now and you have to watch the kids so he can go to bed.

me: Thursday...feeling good...at least I'll get one day in this week

universe: here, have a migrane.

me: screw it. let's try again next week.

universe: see you then sucker.

me: Monday...yeah...kickboxing!

universe: alright...I'll throw you a bone.

me: yeah! and look, my new running shoes came in! That means I should totally run tomorrow morning!

universe: see. you shouldn't have pushed me. Now the baby has the stomach flu and you'll be up all night rocking her, because she won't lay down, and keeps barfing.

me: did I mention I hate you? Tuesday: So. Tired. No. Sleep. Can't. Function.

universe: told you. I win again.

Everything hurts.

Monday--kickboxing with perhaps the worlds meanest teacher and most evil ab routine ever. EVER.
Tuesday--legs and shoulders…finally got over my intimidation and joined the big boys in the free weight room…scary, but well worth the use of the hip sled.
Wednesday--back and bi--still sore from Monday’s class by the way, and hey, every fiber of my stomach muscles scream when I breathe. Wussed out on the planned abs last night due to child with strep and baby teething issues beyond my control.
Thursday--plan is chest and tri. Hope to work in abs though they STILL hurt from Monday---gotta get some endurance in my belly! Ordering new pair of running shoes today…which is good (I need them) and bad (now I have no excuse not to run)

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night…my eyes hurt, my head hurts, and oh, by the way, my stomach still hurts. Big has strep throat, Medium is starting to come down with something and is crabby and tired, and Extra-Small is teething. Small is the only one sleeping comfortably through the night right now, but he’s like the energizer bunny…sleeps for 8 hours then goes like a bat out of hell for the rest of the day. It’s exhausting to even be around him…but he’s funny, so that helps. I keep trying to tell him that two year olds still need a NAP, and he keeps telling me I’m crazy. We’re probably both right.

my baby brother is a daddy!

I knew today would be the day, because in the true spirit of my family, the kid was both upside down and backwards, so it was a scheduled c-section, but nonetheless I waited anxiously by the phone to hear that mommy and baby were both perfect and beautiful and priceless.

I get to meet him tomorrow, as I've decided to make the 4 hour drive to meet my new nephew, for five minutes, to drive back 4 hours to be home in time to see my kids before bed. A little kooky, I know, but I just can't wait to meet him, and I just can't miss tucking mine into bed.

And my brother's so cool about everything...I'm blubbering and stuttering on the phone and so excited and so happy and so sappy, and at the end I tell him "I love you more than the world" which is what I always say to my kids, and he replies...."cool." God I love that kid...how I wish I was more like him and didn't always walk around with my heart pinned to my sleeve.

When researching my family history (yes, I am a dork, thank you for asking) I came up with a list of names, because my brother thought maybe he'd name his son after someone in our history. He eventually decided not to (mostly because we're hill-billy by nature and "bubba" just didn't fly with his wife), but from this day on, in my heart, I will call my nephew by my favorite of all our "family names". So welcome, Freelove. Let the party begin.

Everybody's pregnant. Have you noticed? Even my baby brother, is about to become a daddy. Makes me kind of sad and sort of half-way wish that maybe I could sort of have another, and then I snap out of it and realize how much I like not peeing my pants when I sneeze, and the mood passes.

And I've started shopping for a new aupair today, which totally sucks, because the one I have now is the best ever and I totally don't want her to leave. I mean, she actually calls herself "the queen of the butterflies" and if that isn't the person you want watching your kids, I just don't know who is. And as I'm shopping for aupairs, I started thinking "let's see, I'll need to do this again for hmmm, let's count...3, 4, 5 more years at LEAST. 5! Do you know how many years that is? And suddenly, I don't want a new baby anymore.

though I never officially entered the nanowrimo, I kind of half-assed started writing a novel that month...yeah, sort of like how I do everything else in my life. Eventually I printed certain parts of it, and began carting it around in my bag, in the hopes that I'd find a spare moment in my day in which I could change/add/re-do those parts I had printed. Well, one of those pages happened to be a part where the woman in the story was talking about a man she had just met and included cheesy romantic novel prose as in "drinking in his masculinity" and other nonsense.

My husband was snooping and found that page last night. At 1:30. In the morning. At which time he woke me up and accused me of having an affair. Now, my brain doesn't function all that well during waking hours not to mention when I'm sound the fuck asleep, so I'm pretty sure my response came out like "no, you put the toast in the pocket", which, as I can clearly see now, makes absolutely no sense, but then neither does reading someone's piece of crap partial "manuscript" and leaping to the conclusion that it's true.

FYI honey...if I take the time to type something and then take the time to proof read it and make corrections, it's probably a story, and not some super secret diary, K? Oh, and by the way, stay the hell out of my bag.

Everything lately has been reminding me of the past. Today, on a McDonalds bag, no less, there was a reference to the River of No Return. Idaho. Middle Fork of the Salmon River. Chris Porter. He was so charming and I fell in love with the strum of his guitar and the smooth harmony of his voice. It was his eyes that scared me the most…the way they looked right through me, into my soul, or my heart, or that place inside where no one is allowed. A doctor that lived like a Spartan. Happy with just a guitar and the sweet sounds and smells of the river, he was unlike anyone I’ve ever known. I refrained from flirting as he was a friend of my sister and I was unwilling to confront all the uncomfortable ness that a fling would ensure. And I was married.
But for 7 glorious days I hovered around him like a moth on the front porch light. Just to sit next to him and breathe. We watched the Aurora Borealis and the eagle in flight. We pounded the rapids and pounded the beers and sang songs until we were too hoarse and too tired to remember the words. And is it my imagination, or was the sky bluer back then? I would have stayed forever on the River of No Return. I would have stayed forever in my sleeping bag next to the fire. I would have stayed forever in his eyes. He was magnetic and powerful and sexy in his own way. And the pictures I have to remind me of that week in no way do him justice. The pictures couldn’t possibly capture the magnitude of the mountains, the crashing of the waves, the weight of the sunlight, the intensity of the stars, the roar of the silence or the passion in the man.
And though I would love nothing more than to close my eyes and re-live the memories of what was potentially the best week of my adult life, there are conferences to attend and dinner to cook and little babies to be tucked into bed, and I’ve just no time to wish away today in remembrance of an easier time. But if I had the time, I’d spend it trying to evoke the joy and passion I felt those few short days. The contentment I felt, the confidence, the love, the elation. I’d spend it recalling how I was no surer that the world was good and beautiful then I was when I stood in the middle of the river and inhaled the splendor of the untouched landscape surrounding me. And though I love my home and all of my possessions, and I often wish for more and better, I would give it up in a second to live in Stanley and be surrounded forever by the majestic perfection that is Idaho.

During the day, I struggle under the weight of my eyelids, but when darkness falls I find myself terrified to close my eyes. I’ve become painfully aware of the passing of time, and find myself clinging in desperation to each moment as it slips through my fingers. Willing myself to remember. Willing myself to appreciate. Willing myself to keep it together. But the time passes and each day blurs into the next and at the end of the week I’m left with a haze of unremarkable moments when I know in my heart that there was so much more there. So much more I’m overlooking, or forgetting, or missing. And the time, it just keeps passing. Weighed and measured by lost chances, missed opportunities, action not taken, words that cannot be taken back, and those that were never said. And the thought of all I’m missing, all I’ve missed and all I’ll never know, tugs at my mind and threatens to pull me under.

I can’t quite explain it. Unfulfilled. Unmotivated. Unsure. Incapable. Unhappy.

I have this feeling inside that I can’t put my finger on. I haven’t been writing only because I haven’t been much to be around. I have this sort of empty sensation deep in my pit that I just can’t seem to shake. Nothing terrible has recently transpired. Nothing earth-shattering or mind numbing that I can blame this recent case of melancholy that has swallowed up my world and made me quite unbearable to be around. Maybe hollow hits it. Vacuous. Void. Vacant.

I don’t mean to sound pompous or vain, but this life is not the life I thought I’d have. And maybe this is part of it. Not that I don’t have an enormous amount of blessings in my life, and I don’t intend to sound ungrateful for the gifts I’ve been given. I am blessed. I am aware that I’m blessed. But there’s this feeling of unease I have. A feeling of not living up to my expectations. A feeling that I should have been more. Better. Important. Worthy. And of these, I feel none. I feel as though here, I’ve failed. I feel mediocre at best. Pedestrian. So I laugh out loud, if only to keep from crying, and I pretend that I’m here, if only to keep from being found, and I hope that people don’t notice that I haven’t been heard from in months.

Yesterday's kickboxing class was side swiped by a migrane. Crap. I actually took my med's fast enough that my migrane went away about 1/2 way through the day, but it always makes my stomach feel a little wobbly and I figured throwing up on the mats during the jump rope portion of class would not be appropriate 2nd class etiquette. So I called my hubby and told him I was coming home instead cuz I didn't feel well. Got home and hubby said "I'm tired, I need to lay down for 10 minutes" OMG. Hello? I'm the one that doesn't feel good and YOU need to lay down? So I said, "since you didn't make dinner for the kids, you can lay down while I make dinner and then I'm going to bed". I finished dinner, woke him up, and he said "be out in a minute". But what he meant was "be out in an hour and 1/2". Jerk.

This fish

I was reading back through the last few days of "this fish" (see links) and in one post she compared herself to a weather forecast...Neurotic with a chance of sane.

And even though I'm totally not as hip as her, and I don't live in NY with a funky life full of adventures and friendships and subway rides and cats with cool names and a great job and a grasp on all the proper etiquette as well as the knowledge of when said can be tossed aside and a sexy wardrobe and a level of contentment with her body...when it comes to the weather forecast, it's like we're twins or something.

I finally made it to kickboxing. The class is run by a guy that actually is a champion kickboxer, he's got like 22 knockouts, and a zillion wins. He's, thus far, undefeated...pretty impressive. Anyway, it's a pretty "hard core" program. He's not into cute little "tae bo" routines or cd's mixed with songs at the same tempo. He's there to teach you to be a fighter.

So...the first 20 minutes of the class was...jump rope for 2 minutes, 15 pushups, 15 sit-ups, repeat two more times; run in place 45 seconds knees up, 30 seconds slow shuffle, 45 seconds fast, 15 pushups on knuckles, 15 situps, repeat three more times. Then we were on our backs, feet 6 inches from the floor. He punished us there...small kicks, large slow kicks, 1/2 way up and back down to a count of five, small circles, reverse direction, large circles, reverse direction, then it was over to our belly and into "plank". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

So, I was pretty much dead by then. Next, you got a partner and sat across from them. First your partner did 10 pushups w/you counting, then you did 10. They did 9, you did 9, they did 8, you did 8...all the way to 1 and then back up to 10.

Then you get the pads. One partner has focus pads, and the other has gloves. He picks a combination (usually 3 punches, a duck, and then 3 more punches), and you do the combo as many times as you can for a 3 minute round. Then you do "burners"...jab-cross into the focus pads as fast as you can for 30 seconds. And then 30 more seconds. Then you do the 2nd combo of the night, and 2 more burners. Then you switch pads and places and the next partner does it. Then you do 50 jumping jacks, and the first person gets the gloves again. Next is two more combinations, only these have kicks in them and are each followed by 3 sets of burners. Then you do 50 jumping jacks and then you go home and try not to throw up.

I weighed myself this morning and was down 2 pounds. Yes, I know it isn't real weight loss, but hey, sweat much?

I have this food problem lately. I stare at the fridge and nothing looks good..not even the tub of cool whip, so I don't eat. Then I sit here at work STARVING. Yesterday, I ate two chocolate chip cookies, and a piece of pizza. All day. I know this is not smart. I know this is the wrong thing to do. Yet here I am, Monday morning at almost 11 and I've had a 1/2 piece of swiss cheese. What is my problem? I'm not doing it to "punish" myself, which I have done in the past, for being fat, or not working out, or whatever. I'm just totally uninterested in eating. The worst part is, I'm breastfeeding, and now I'm not making enough milk. You'd think that would put me back on the right track. But you'd be wrong.

Oy. I gotta go get something to eat.

My daughter looks like shit.

Over the last two weeks or so, I've been noticing that she looked pale, with red-rimmed eyes. At first, I thought, well, here we go. Here comes strep-throat, or an ear infection, or a sinus infection....it never came.

Each day she's gotten a little paler, and she's developed big black circles under her eyes.

I took her to the doctor today, and he agrees with me. She does not look good. He took some blood and said we'll hope its anemia, but we'll check for everything else. Me, being the anxious wreck that I am, of course knows that "everything else" means leukemia or neuroblasphoma, or something equally as horrible that I would just prefer my five year old doesn't have, thank you very much.

So now I wait. And try to pretend to be productive at work. But mostly I just watch the clock and wonder if it's too early to call and see if the results are in. I don't want to be a pest, but this is my daughter. My light. My laughter. My heart.

Let me preface by saying that I really do love my new boxer. Really. I do. But I'm two minutes away from hanging her up by her cute little doggy toenails. She just refuses to be housetrained and it's driving me crazy. She is so sweet and so cute and if she pees on my carpet one more time I'm going to have a melt down.

I mean, I know she's smart, because she figured out how to ring the bell to go outside, which she does 85% of the time. But, the other (let's see...100% - 85%), yeah, 15% of the time she either sneaks downstairs to the basement and goes there, or she runs upstairs and does it in the hallway. Oh, and yesterday she had just come in from outside and we were playing in the kitchen, and then she walked around to the other side of the island where I couldn't see her and peed there. I'm losing my mind. This morning, she was obviously tired because she didn't feel like going all the way up the stairs, and instead peed on the fourth from the bottom. And husband has even less patience then me and is pissed. Excuse the pun.

Also, she still "occasionally" pees in her kennel. She won't do it for 2 weeks, and then all of the sudden she'll do it. Last time, I took out her pillow, cleaned the kennel, laid down a towel, and put her in it. In the middle of the night she started barking, so I went to see if she needed to go outside...nope. She'd peed on the towel and wanted me to come remove the wet one.

Someone out there has got to have a tip for me...the poor, tired of cleaning up pee, owner of a dog that refuses to adhere to the house rules.....

Today I find myself unable to muster the motivation to hit the gym. I was going to go at lunch, and now I can't really go, or by the time I got back it'd be time to go home, and that's not cool. I'm still holding out hope that I'll do something tonight, but I haven't got a full night's sleep in about forever, so I'm feeling really exhausted today and all I want to do is take a nap. Maybe it's my body's way of telling me I need a little rest, but I feel guilty nonetheless.

I emailed a local kickboxing school to ask about rates and times. It's kind of far from my house, but it's a total badass school and it might be worth the drive. I'll keep you posted.

Today I am wonderfully sore. four days of working out after months of a sedentary lifestyle will do that for you. And oh, the pain, feels so so good.

My puppy is slowly, and with much confusion, learning to sort of walk on a leash. The best way to a boxer's brain is through their mouth, apparently. As long as I have a fist full of smelly treats, she's just happy as a lark to be wearing her harness.

The shirt I'm wearing today has slightly shorter sleeves than usual, and I'm distressed at the fact that you can see my PATHETIC FARMER'S TAN. I spent most of the summer pregnant and in HUGE clothes, hiding my once toned arms as they became flabby, and now I look like Bubba from the corner dairy farm.

I must go grocery shopping tonight. I hate going on Fridays, but we're getting low and I don't want to eat cookies just because there's nothing else. I've been so good this week. The only cheat I've had was some chocolate graham crackers last night, which really isn't all that bad if you consider the amount of JUNK I've crammed in, in recent months.

I've decided that ediets, on their default setting, is just too damn complicated. I mean, in a week, they give me 6 different meals for 6 days. There's just no way I'm making 36 different things each week, so I've been tinkering with it a bit. I've now got it changed to breakfast being my choice, the four meals in the day the exact same all week long, and then a different dinner each night. Might sound boring, but I find it much easier to make lots of one thing then one of lots. Plus, the first week I bought raspberries for a meal, and by the time I got to it on the plan they'd gone all mushy and greenish. Not cool. Now I just have to pick 4 things I like and then find a dinner, and since all the dinners have to be "family" friendly as well as "EFL" friendly, that narrows the search a bit. But I love that once you have it all figured out, they print you out a shopping list. That way I just have to add the stuff I need for the kids, and I'm off to the store.

So far, it's been worth the $20 it cost me...just to keep me away from the bad stuff I normally binge on.

This morning, hubby and I had our physicals for our new life insurance policy. I’m switching life insurance, because the old company I worked with made me mad, and yes, I am immature enough to switch companies just because my panties are in a bunch. The old company had my life, house and car policies…and got a ton of my money each year. One time, I paid two car policies at the same time, and while the exact total should have been like $190.98, I rounded up and paid them $191. Well, even though I put the payment slips into the envelope, they couldn’t seem to figure out that I was paying both policies, with an extra $.02 to apply somewhere. Hell, they could have even kept the 2 pennies and had a party, for all I cared, but since they weren’t smart enough to do that, they applied the whole amount to one of the cars, and let the other one lapse without ever contacting me. Smart. So, long story short, I was mad, and switched companies.

Anyway…last night, all of the sudden, my hubby started feeling really sick…he started sweating really bad and got nauseous, and he said he felt like his heart was beating really hard and really fast…and all I could think was “I’m pretty sure that if he has a heart attack tonight, they’re not going to give us our policy”.

Fast forward to the middle of the night…I heard something in the kitchen, so I woke him up and said “someone just took the lid off the peanut butter jar”. Because obviously my mouth has a mind of it’s own at 2:30 in the morning, and what that really meant was “I think one of the kids is sleepwalking and is in the kitchen…go check”. He, being equally coherent at that time of the morning said “but the bubbles are in the cabinet”. What? Okay, so the noise kept going, and I had woken up a little more by then, so I said “I think the dog got out of her kennel.” To which he angrily replied “I put the cat in the mailbox this morning”. So I kicked him, and he woke up and said “what? Was I snoring?” and I said “the dog is loose in the house and is drinking out of the toilet”. He said “no, that’s the cat”, and I said “I’m pretty sure that’s not the cat”. And I was right…the puppy got out of her kennel and was running through the house, drinking out of toilets. But she didn’t eat the peanut butter so that was good.

And then I had a dream that I was Madonna’s nanny and housekeeper, and I had to keep going to all these stores with her to find clothes for her daughter, and she had horrible taste and me and the kid hated all the clothes she picked out.

Well, the large, purple harness turned out to be the right size after all...I put her in it this weekend, to get her used to it, and it didn't seem to bother her at all. No frantic scratching or twirling in circles trying to get it off. Of course, she's very fast, and a little bit slippery, so it took me about 45 minutes and 73 treats before I got it fitted, over her head, leg through the hole, strap around her belly, and snapped.

My kids immediately wanted to put her on a leash, so I said sure, just don't pull on her or she'll get nervous. They went to the front yard and in 12 seconds she'd turned herself completely inside out and escaped the harness. Then she merrily ran zig-zags up and down the sidewalk with her tongue out the side of her mouth singing "catch me if you can"

I may have to try the pinch collar. It's the only thing I've ever used that a boxer couldn't slip it's head out of.

On the bright side, I finally got my act together and MADE IT TO THE GYM on lunch break today...and guess what? The building is still standing, no major emergencies occured, and everyone is just swell. Did I mention that I tend to worry too much?

I spent lunch at the petstore AGAIN today.

today it was in search of a harness for my collar-hating new boxer. She doesn't just hate the collar. She HATES the collar. You put it on her and she sits and scratches and scratches and scratches, and then pretty soon she's got a big lump on her neck from all the scratching, which she scratches until she looks deformed. Or like she's got a bad case of lymphoma. Neither of which is good. The first time she did it, my other boxer had just died of lymphoma, and me, thinking the worst, burst into tears...she's only 3 months old! She can't have it already! It wasn't lymphoma, it was all the damn scratching.

So, being the ever responsible parent, she hasn't had a collar on in two months. I thought I'd try a harness instead, with the added benefit of keeping her from strangling herself or popping off the leash and running away. She's fast.

So today, I went in search of a harness, because this dog has got to learn how to walk on a leash yesterday, or I will never get to run with her, which I don't REALLY want to do, but I also don't really want my ass to look like this, so what can I do. Here's where the smart part comes in. Last night I told myself "oh yeah, don't forget to measure her chest"

Did I do it?

You would think so, but no. So I stood there in the petstore going "well she's about this big...does that help?"

I wanted to get a medium because it came in pink, but I went with a large purple one in the hopes that if it is too big, I can just rubberband it shorter. Because, you know, I probably won't be back to the petstore till like Sunday, and I can't wait and just buy it then when I know her size...

I want it NOW, Mommy!

My sister taught me how to drive a stick-shift. I was 16 at the time, and she had a little red escort, and I'm pretty sure we were driving back from seeing her horse. I remember sitting at a red light, and the corner of Adams and Tienken, where there's just the smallest hint of a hill. I was so worried that I was going to roll backwards and smash her car. I was so worried that I was going to lurch forward and stall. I was so worried that I was going to let her down.

It was the first time, that I can remember, that I felt like someone believed I could do something new. That I was capeable of being more than I already was. It was a strange feeling for me...the girl that had come to terms with the fact that she was nothing. Growing up I was never as "smart" or "thin" or "pretty"as my sister. I was never as "good looking" or "talanted" or "funny" as my brother. I was an afterthought. I was an inconvienence. I always kind of felt like a foreign exchange student living with a family that tried their best to tolerate me, but never really gave a shit if I was there or not.

My sister was not my friend. She hated me. She admits it freely now that she did. She wanted to be an only child and I ruined that. But she was only a little girl trying to stay on the right side of the family, so I don't hold it against her. My brother was not my friend. But that was probably me, already convinced I didn't deserve kindness, that pulled away from him. He doesn't hold it against me.

But that day...She had gone away to college and we had suddenly gained a brand new relationship. Removed from eachother, we cautiously reached out and touched hands. And we began to like the person at the other end. She took me out to the barn that day, and on the way home, she asked if I'd like to drive. I said no...I couldn't drive a stick, which in my mind meant that I never would...I never could. But she insisted, and there I was, behind the wheel praying "God, please don't let me stall". I stalled, and mentally ducked my head waiting for the insults to start flying. They never came. She said "take a deep breath, push in the clutch, start it again, and this time remember to give it a little more gas". That was it. No name calling, no exasperated sigh, no dissertation on all the ways I had failed. She just gave me permission to try again.

I had no idea how to take that.

But I did it. I drove a stick. I still, when I can, drive a stick. It makes me feel powerful, and capeable, and loveable. Silly, but true.

Today my sister and brother and I are the best of friends, and I am so grateful to have them in my life. And when my life seems out of control and I start to think that I will never be happy again, I just take a deep breath, push in the clutch, start it again, and give it a little more gas.

Thank you sissy.

Just so you know, string cheese tastes way better when you remember to take it out of your cooler bag and put it in the fridge because you didn't put any ice in your cooler bag because you have a fridge sitting right there in your office. Instead I left it in the bag, right next to the apple that would probably taste better cold too.

No, I did not eat the apple, I had a Fast Break instead. Thanks for asking.

I finally found time to get my hair chopped last night...she took off 5 inches and I still have enough to pull back into a ponytail...I guess I let it get a little longer than I thought. It feels SOOO much better now...healthy and less frizzy.

My new MRP was delivered to my house today. Of course, I'm at work, which means I have to wait to open it till I get home tonight. :( I'm like a kid at Christmas...if I know there's something on the way, I can't WAIT to open it. I know. Excited about an MRP? Insane. But it's a BOX people. One that came in the mail and is addressed to me! Very exciting stuff!

I talked to a girlfriend of mine today that I haven't talked to in 4 months and haven't seen in over a year. I thought she had written me off or something, but as it turns out, she's in a bad place (marriage) and is so so sad. It's horrible. She's probably the nicest person in the whole world and I hate to hear that she's so sad. No Fair. I want to make it all better, but there's really nothing I can do, you know? I mean I can listen and "be there", but when you get to that bad place, the only one that can change anything is you...and that's a really hard thing to do. She said she's lost 30 pounds, which is great, but she lost it on the "hey I'm so stressed out that if I try to eat anything I'm going to puke, so I guess I'll just sit here and chew off my fingernails" diet, which is no good. She wants to start BFL again, but just can't get motivated. Been there. Oh wait, that's where I am now. Not for the exact same reasons, but they're not entirely unrelated.

Oh bloody hell.

I made a huge mistake in my checkbook and now I'm screwed. There is nothing that makes me feel more stupid then bouncing checks.

I tried the "banana blitz" and the "vanilla nut pudding" recipes from my new ediets EFL menu and I just gotta say

OMG WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE

So yummy...

I went to office depot this weekend to get a new lead for my printer, as my friend R would say, and they were having a big clearance sale on all back to school stuff. I got a purple backpack with flowers and butterflies on it for $2.50, and three notebooks for $1.00 that are called "banana paper"...recycled bananas! How cool is that. I figured that it was someones way of telling me that maybe I should start keeping a food journal again, because how totally appropriate is it to keep a food journal on food paper? Totally.

I found a picture of Vin on the internet and now it's my wallpaper on my computer.

I heart him.

Yes, I am twelve, thanks for asking.

positive changes

Things I've done this week that are good for me

1. Did squats for the first time (with weight) since having the baby
2. Joined ediets, edited my whole first week, printed out all meals, recipes, and shopping lists
3. Told my husband it was time for counseling

Yeah me!

for all you useless trivia junkies...

I know I haven't posted much lately, but I've been boring. Not bored, boring. Just been in a funk when I'd rather read about what all my online "friends" have been doing then write about my same old same old days of late.

Anyway...as promised....useless trivia alert...

the phrase "ok" is actually derived from an old slang spelling of "all correct", which became "oll korrect", which was then shortened to "OK"

there. now you can go amaze your friends and co-workers.

Have a good day, AC?

this is funny...


http://home.datacomm.ch/marco.fernando/fla/bozzetto/olympics.swf

Bah

That's all I have to say to Erin from DF company that keeps calling me and making me DO MY JOB.

I'm procrastinating as fast as I can here, folks.

How can I really be expected to work when Olivia Newton and John Travolta are screeching "you're the one that I want" from the work radio permanently set to ez-rock?

Makes me want to wear a leather jacket and clog shoes under which I can put out my cig...oh, and get a perm, and go to the fun-house.